Pastor Kyle Idleman is best-known nationally as the author of the book Not a Fan.
Here we are in Chapter 6 and I finally get around to looking at the back of his book AHA.
Did you know that from page 221 to 217 he has listed chapter study questions?
I include a question from time to time with my comments but you may want to look at his.
Anything that will make you think more about what he is saying in his book is good.
I hope this post helps you even thought it is “not a post.”
Dave Ramey is an American financial author, radio host, television personality, and motivational speaker. His show and writings strongly focus on encouraging people to get out of debt. I have listened to his radio show for many years and I must admit that I enjoy it.
Of course, I listen to other people who have called in to his show. Most often they seek his advice about some financial matter, sometimes it is because they have painted themselves into a corner.
Well, get ready when you call in with a problem because Dave is going to share his unvarnished advice with you and he pulls no punches.
When I read Pastor Idleman’s words in Chapter 6 about financial reality, I thought of Dave.
The chapter is about denial and Idleman reports that the number one common example of denial is the person who spends the money and then does not want to open the bill. That stuff drives Dave Ramsey crazy. First of all, he preaches that if you can’t afford it, you don’t need it. And if you have bought it and you are now heavily in debt, you had better be ready because when you call Dave, he is going to tell you to sell the nice car(s) and drive junkers, take an extra job or two, cancel the credit cards and go cash only and practice austerity until the debt is gone. By practice austerity he means months and maybe years [it depends on the amount of debt] of not eating out, no vacations etc. Essentially only expenditure for necessities [housing, basic transportation, running water, electricity and heat].
How’s that sit with you?
See why he is so unpopular?
Also, do you see why he has followers?
The followers focus on the feeling of freedom of being debt free. You may have heard some of his success stories call up his radio show. They call up to report that they have done “the plan” and now they are debt free!!!!! Usually it is a family and they scream it over the phone. Guess what, they sound happy.
Like Pastor Idleman says, they have dealt with the humiliation, they have dealt with the embarrassment, they have dealt with the pain and they realize it was all essential.
They have opened the bills and they have taken ownership
Denial of sin is very much like this. We have done the sin but we don’t want to open the bill. We don’t want to take ownership. We want to go on with life as it is, acting like everything is ok. It’s not. Like a person heavily in debt, the Mercedes, the luxury motor home, the mansion, the exotic trips look great but they are not real. In reality they are financed by a lending institution. The creditor knows it.
Dave is so popular because he breaks down financial sin to a black and white world. He is always saying that his “wisdom” is not “rocket science.” It’s not. It is just cold, hard truth. Dave is so unpopular because he tells callers cold, hard truth. They don’t want to hear it.
They would rather live in a word of denial.
Pastor Idleman uses the story of David to illustrate how denial can cause great sin.
We all know the story of King David’s downfall. The glimpse of Bathsheba bathing on the roof is just step A. Before long after learning her identity and the identity of her spouse, David was ready to take step B. He would invite Bathsheba to his quarters for an ill-advised meeting. Step C would be making advances to her despite the loyalty he was being paid by her spouse Uriah, one of David’s most trusted soldiers. Step D is sexual union with Bathsheba…..
It goes on and on as David digs a deeper hole, a deeper level of sinning until he has not only committed adultery but also has multiple lies to his credit and he has conspired to commit murder; his whole character is compromised. His reign as King is called into question.
And he lives the life of a man who tries very hard to cover it all up from his adoring public.
You know the story. David is not only a King, David is not only a man leading a double life, but he is also a man of God. That man of God part is the sticky part because David knows he has done horrendous sin. He knows that God knows. All the cover up in this world did not matter to him because he knows God sees through all of it. God knows David’s sin.
It is killing him.
It did not happen all at once. It did not happen over night. Satan got David to commit the first little sin, the glimpse. That was the set-up. David could not get that view out of his mind. Oh, if he could have, the story would turn out differently. The great Martin Luther said we can’t keep birds from flying over our heads but we can keep them from nesting in our hair. That’s David’s problem. He did glimpse Bathsheba but he did not let it go. He let her image “nest in his hair” and he was ready to go on to step B. He did not stop with step A. After A, he felt the need to go on to B which was bad, but it was not horrible. So how about C? He found out that he could do that….eventually he was at XY and Z.
He was in a mess and he knew his Lord knew it.
Denial works like that. Once we can find a way to deny that one sin is not so bad, we can move on to justifying another, until we are in a mess. To use a recurring theme of the book, we are in “the distant country” and living a life that is far from the life our Lord wants us to live.
Where is the hope in all of this?
First of all, there is hope in the Christian who recognizes that birds do fly over our heads and a wary Christian does not let them nest in their hair.
Secondly, let’s look at what David does, even after he gets to step Z.
Psalm 51.
He confesses. Not one of those “go through the motions confessions”, he pours out his heart to God.
Pastor Idleman includes Psalm 51 in Chapter 6 and he admonishes us to read it, read it closely.
Then he implores us to pray it….because we all can relate to King David, can’t we?
He always loved school, in fact this was his one place where he excelled.
He always loved books, and had an endless curiosity about learning new things.
Becoming a teacher was a thrill of a lifetime, with a father a teacher, and aunts who were teachers; it seemed like the perfect profession to follow in his father’s footsteps. He married a teacher and this new partner was a excellent fit; both he and his wife were frequently commiserating about the challenges of getting young minds fired up about learning.
New jobs arrived and a move to a new location, where additional education was encouraged.
Then the baby came.
But education for him was still number one. When the job suggested further training, he jumped at the chance to return to school, that place where he excelled. One additional degree was completed and whew that was over.
Not really.
Now he saw a chance to go further, all the way to a terminal degree.
That love of school was stronger than anything. About this time, the association with a church was getting weaker and weaker. He had been taught to go to church but it was done more as a duty than anything, a habit , the idea was that it was good to be “religious.” Now with the pursuit of an additional degree, things had to be put aside–church…..and eventually family.
His wife knew that he was going in the wrong direction.
He knew he was going in the wrong direction but he was not listening to others. He was not listening to that very small voice that said “you need to give up on this. Your family is more important than this additional education.” He ignored that voice. He said to himself, “This is important.” “This is what I have to do.” “I want this.” The voice said, “This is not necessary.” “You don’t really have to do this.” “This is something you want.” Then the conclusion….”You’re being selfish.”
All this fits Chapter 6. Pastor Idleman says that people in denial disagree with the voice. They argue their position in their own mind, justifying their actions and they convince themselves that they are right. People in denial defend their actions. When others say to the denier that things are not right, the denier gets defensive and may even avoid people or places where their acts are questioned. People in denial distract others from the reality that they are experiencing. They may point to successes or accomplishments, never pointing to the costs that are incurred for those successes or accomplishments. He got that terminal degree.
He almost lost his family.
Almost is a word that holds out hope.
His story continues later in the week; later in Chapter 6.
This week in Chapter 6 Pastor Idleman is addressing the common human problem of denying the problem.
I say “the problem” because many of us can just say “fill in the blank.” We all have a laundry list of problems don’t we?
In particular, in the context of his book AHA I think he is writing about the sins of our lives that we refuse to call sins. We just deny they exist. They do exist. What about a new type of denial?
From an author I have been teaching in Sunday School we get the sentence: “The most fulfilling challenge God’s children can experience in this life is the challenge of becoming more like Jesus Christ” [from Warren Wiersbe, Being a Child of God.
You might be asking right now, how is that relevant?
The answer is when you live a life that has un-named sin, you are denying yourself growth.
You cannot grow beyond the sin. You are stuck in sin. You are denying God’s plan for your life.
You may be thinking I have sinned my whole life. I have a habit of sin. You are not alone. But what if you called that thing that you are doing what it really is? It is wrong. It is SIN. I am not proud of it. In fact I hate myself when I do it. I try to hide it from others. It is embarrassing to call myself a Christian and still have this SIN hanging around my neck. Do you think these thoughts are unique?
Think again. They’re not.
What if you just called SIN out? What if you said to God, “take this away from me. I can’t do this alone. I can’t rid myself of this dark stain on my soul.”
It may not happen over night. A lightening flash may not hit you from heaven. Your body may not tingle all over. But………
Gradually, gradually… you will desire to sin less as the Holy Spirit begins the work that you cannot accomplish with your flesh.
You have called out sin but you have also called out God in you–your most powerful change agent. Will you have relapses? Yes you will. Will you have days when you feel like a failure? Yes those days will come. Will you succeed?
Yes you will, because God wants this for you and you are accepting His blessing for His glory and you will experience His power to change you.
Eventually your love for God will be more powerful that the urge to sin.
You are not denying God’s plan for your life; you are accepting it. NO MORE DENIAL!
You are accepting the challenge of becoming more like Jesus Christ.
The title of Chapter 6 is “Denial–If I Ignore It, Maybe It Will Go Away.”
You might ask, why is Pastor Idleman going here?
Denial is such a common pop psychology term. It is not unusual to hear it on the news, expressed on talk shows and presented in tv dramas. Some cable tv shows spend a lot of time presenting people who are struggling with denial–mainly drug addicts.
What is denial?
Kendra Cherry, “Psychology Expert” on the About Education Website posted in 2015 states that “denial is probably one of the best known defense mechanisms, used often to describe situations in which people seem unable to face reality or admit an obvious truth (i.e. “He’s in denial.”). Denial is an outright refusal to admit or recognize that something has occurred or is currently occurring. Drug addicts or alcoholics often deny that they have a problem, while victims of traumatic events may deny that the event ever occurred.
Denial functions to protect the ego from things that the individual cannot cope with. While this may save us from anxiety or pain, denial also requires a substantial investment of energy. Because of this, other defenses are also used to keep these unacceptable feelings from consciousness.
In many cases, there might be overwhelming evidence that something is true, yet the person will continue to deny its existence or truth because it is too uncomfortable to face.
Denial can involve a flat out rejection of the existence of a fact or reality. In other cases, it might involve admitting that something is true, but minimizing its importance.
Addiction is one of the best-known examples of denial. People who are suffering from a substance abuse problem will often flat-out deny that their behavior is problematic. In other cases, they might admit that they do use drugs or alcohol, but will claim that this substance abuse is not a problem.”
There is an endless list of denial behaviors other than a drugs or alcohol. Some people deny that the climate is changing. Currently some parents are denying that vaccinations protect their children from communicable diseases. I had an aunt [deceased] who told me that she smoked her whole life but denied that tobacco was going to kill her. This woman was a Masters-level psychologist, a member of Mensa. Yet she died of tobacco-related cancer.
Why is Pastor Idleman going here?
Denial works well for us sinners….very well.
This week we will explore how denial can keep us from being the Christians God wants us to be.
Ok, Pastor Idleman has asked some things of us already.
He has told us that we have to be honest with ourselves, brutally honest.
He has told us why it is important to be that way. He has told us what happens when we are not honest. He has even asked us to do an assignment, going to the bathroom, looking into a mirror and asking questions of ourselves and providing honest answers.
Now we come to the end of the chapter and he asks one more thing.
Find a person to confess to.
That makes sense but…….
Immediately the mind starts racing. I have to find someone I trust with all my sin junk? I have to drag all my dirty secrets out of the dark and into the light? Yes that’s what he’s asking. The first instinct is to say no. Why? We as Christians are good at hiding our faults. We have talked about that in previous posts. That is one of the things that people who are not Christians hate about us. Idleman is asking us to go against our instincts.
He wants us to find an earthly confessor.
Why can’t I just confess to God and that is good enough?
I pose a question to you. Do you really want to change?
In Matthew 18:22 Jesus was asked by the disciples how many times they needed to forgive someone. Jesus says “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” God will forgive you over and over again. Jesus took the punishment we deserve upon Himself when He died on the cross. Jesus died for my sins so then when I confess them, God forgives them. Pastor Idleman tells us that and the Bible tells us that…but I ask you, do you want to be stuck? Stuck in what I call the sin cycle. 1. Better behavior 2. Sin 3. Guilt 4. Repent 1. Better behavior 2. Sin 3. Guilt 4. Repent….etc. You are going nowhere.
Who should we find to confess to? Just anybody. No.
1.a Christian who shares your convictions
2.someone who will be honest themselves
3.someone who is trustworthy
4.someone who has freely received the grace of Jesus and freely gives it
You might be saying now “I don’t have a friend or family member like that!” Follow Idleman’s 4 guidelines. Find that kind of person. Don’t rush this. It is too important. We’re talking accountability here and it will be hard. Idleman says “When we take what we have kept in the dark and drag it kicking and screaming into the light, we find that it loses much of its power over us.” Don’t just do this with anyone. Find the right person, the person you can trust.
Why is this so important?
At the end of Chapter 5 Idleman tells us in his quote from the book Coping With Stress. “people who tend to keep secrets have more physical and mental complaints, on average, than people who do not…[including] greater anxiety, depression and bodily symptoms such as back pain and headaches…The initial embarrassment of confessing is frequently outweighed by the relief that comes with the verbalization of the darker aspects of the self.”
If this is not enough, he concludes with Proverbs 28:13 “Whoever conceals their sin does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”
And I am tired of being stuck.
It happens every day….another public figure is trying to do “damage control.” Today it is veteran NBC newsman Brian Williams.
It was 2003 and Williams was riding in a helicopter in Iraq. The helicopter in front of his took a hit from enemy fire. Over the years since, Williams said to some people that his copter was hit by enemy fire but now we learn the truth–Williams was about an hour behind the attacked copter. He was never in danger.
Williams is a newsman and his whole career rests on his credibility, the honesty we feel about him as he reports the news, the facts. Yet when the flight engineer on the crew of William’s copter says “It felt like a personal experience that someone else wanted to participate in and didn’t deserve to participate in;” that sounds problematic.
Where does he go from here?
Probably there is a publicist working with him right now trying to do “damage control.”
He’s caught in a lie.
He has apologized. He did that on Wednesday night on the Nightly News.
Pastor Idleman quotes Susan Wise Bauer author of the book The Art of the Public Grovel: “An apology is an expression of regret. I am sorry. A confession is admission of fault: I am sorry because I did wrong. I sinned.”
Now most of us don’t have the high profile career of Brian Williams but do we have his problems? Sure we do. Often we have an “awakening” that things are wrong in our lives and we regret that things have turned out the way they have but we are not really ready to repent. We just have the regret. We want to engage in damage control. Mr. Williams has highly paid advisors to help him and after a story becomes news, he has to figure out some way to respond. Our sins are usually not public so what do we do? We try to deceive others. We try to put on a “righteous face.” We “act” as if nothing has happened.
It has.
Pastor Idleman says the next step is crucial for all of us who have sinned.
“I am sorry because I did wrong. I sinned.”
Repentence: what so many people just don’t want to do.
“If you are a Christian, you know that there are certain things that should not be a part of your life. If you weren’t a Christian, confessing and acknowledging those things would not be a big deal…But when we as Christians find ourselves struggling, our instinct is to hide those things rather confess them.” Pastor Idleman’s words from pages 91 and 92
That is just what blogger Joshua writes about in his blog. He lists 10 reasons people hate Christians. I need to let you know that this guy may just know what he is talking about. He is a grad student in the Divinity School at the University of Chicago. He writes: “Christians are hypocritical. Christians sin a lot. Christians slap silver Jesus fish on the backs of their cars, and then cut people off, swear and honk their horns and flip people off. If you offend a Christian’s religion, he or she will respond in anger often yelling at you for disrespecting God, and will frequently remind you that he or she is going to Heaven.”
Ok, this is a little extreme and is more of a rant than a comment but he does make a point–Christians sin a lot.
I do….do you?
I don’t have things figured out. Many times I get confused and many times I make mistakes. I wonder why I fall into sin when I really know better than to do it; yet I do it anyhow.
Sometimes Christians are so good at doing the sinless thing that they come across as “holier than thou.” You have heard that expression and I am convinced that this attitude does more to keep the un-churched out of church than anything else.
None of us is “holier than thou.”
Pastor Idleman is firm in his idea that we have to be honest about our sinning. He says [his italics] “No way am I going to tell anyone else about my secrets. It would be humiliating to share my mistakes.” This attitude will kill growth. Because he is a pastor, people expect him to maintain a certain image. People expect him to be “spiritual and holy.” Yet he admits that he sins like the rest of us. It hurts for him to admit his shortcomings but he knows unless he is honest with his readers the AHA process fails.
You see he does not want to be one of those Christians that people hate, a hypocrite. And he knows that better things are ahead: A..awakening H..honesty A..action.
Pastor Idleman drills down on us to take honesty seriously–honesty with self.
In Chapter 5 he ask that we do a simple exercise.
Go to the bathroom, look yourself squarely in the mirror and say out loud some tough questions.
Do you spend more time this week on Facebook than in prayer? When was the last time you told someone that you loved them? How have you helped someone this last month? When was the last time you said to someone, “I was wrong. Please forgive me”? What’s on your DVD or on your computer’s history [that you would be ashamed of]? When was the last time you prayed with your spouse? your children? Can you name one missionary you pray for? What sin have you confessed to God or someone else? When was the last time you sat with an open Bible? Did you spend more time eating out this month than advancing the kingdom of God? When was the last time you cried over your sin? Who besides God knows about your secret sin?
After the list of questions, we turn to the next page and Idleman admonishes us in his words at the top of the next page. “So let me guess…You did not take the time to do the exercise.”
From another context altogether; from the movie “A Few Good Men” starring Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson. I remember the courtroom scene when Nicholson shouts out “YOU CAN’T STAND THE TRUTH ! ”
That’s it, isn’t it. To do the exercise is to deal with our honest replies to the answers. The responses of no, never, rarely and yes I spend more time on Facebook than in prayer.
Why go to the bathroom and ask the questions face-to-face in the mirror? We want to grow in our Christian lives. We don’t want to stay stuck where we are today. We want to grow closer to our Lord and Savior.
We may not want to deal with our answers but God already knows the answers. Hebrews 4:13 “Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.”
Take the time.
