St. John Studies

I don’t know how you hear these stories.

Supposedly, when I was an infant, this little old lady visited my house and leaned over the bassinette and declared “his ears are close to his head; he is going to be stingy.”

Well, she prophesied correctly.

Over the years I have definitely been that way.  Giving gifts if not one of my prime love languages and I admit it.   Over the years I have been a little hesitant to give things away.

However, I am surrounded by gift givers.

My wife is very generous.  Recently she received 5 graduating senior announcements and she is giving the kids generous gifts.   She is very insistent on our tithe going to church every Sunday.  When some animal organization calls, she often donates.  When a missionary comes to church, she gives.  When there is a Relay-for-Life ACS benefit, she gives.  The list goes on and on.  She is a gift giver.

I used to get agitated.  I am sure my blood pressure went up as I knew she was giving away our hard-earned money.

Now, I detect that I am slowly beginning to change.

God is going to take care of my wife and myself.  I know that.  He will give us enough money to live on and we have more than we need right now.

Recently at church, I taught several lessons on mission work in Sunday School.  My Sunday School class took the lessons literally.  They wanted to support Costa Rican children through a feeding program entitled “Fishes and Loaves.”  For $30, you can feed 1 child for 1 month.  The class treasurer and I said, let’s shoot for 10 children for a month which would be $300.  We were a little nervous.  We started taking up funds in January and we had until mid-May to get to $300.

By mid-May, we had $1290.00, enough to feed 43 kids a month.  Our class is not a big class.

What a gift.

This is happening a lot at St. John.

We have a man who is collecting cans and scrap metal for funding things at church.  He started shooting for an electronic sign in front and someone stepped up and bought the sign in total.  He started shooting for an internal television message system and someone stepped up and bought that.

Gifts…

The United Methodist Men have been reinvigorated and they have given hours to a family whose father is in hospice care.  The men have cleaned up the yard for this man.  Also on the menu is a ramp for another church member who cannot get into the house easily.  The giving continues…

We have a pastor who went to Micah Mission Center and a man walked in with large shoes.  The shoes had no bottoms.  You could see his feet.  She bought him some shoes right there on the spot.   This same woman has given our whole church a media subscription for 1 year.  This is over $100 per month for 1 year.  From her paycheck…her giving amazes me.

Someone in our neighborhood asked me to do a favor for them and I did it for no pay and to my knowledge they have not noticed that the work is done.  I have received no thanks but that’s ok.  The woman who asked me has her hands full with a husband who is very ill.   The fact that the work got done is all that matters.

Thursday a neighbor asked me

to loan him my truck.  I did it.  You might think that is no big deal, but remember, I’m the kid with the ears close to his head.

This morning I sent words of encouragement to a man who is leading a committee at church.  He is feeling a little ill-at-ease with his new responsibility but I want him to know that I think he can do the work.  He can.  He just needs encouragement.

What is happening?

Maybe I am changing…I don’t know.

My wife’s generosity is not making me as agitated as it used to.  I honor her efforts.  I think she is right in helping others.  I am growing to admire her trust in the Lord as she gives what God has given us to others—others who have real needs.  God will honor her giving.  God will honor our giving.

Maybe I am beginning to understand James 1:17  “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.”

God gives us all good gifts.

I don’t think He wants us to horde what we have.

He wants us to share; he wants us to care for others; he wants us to give gifts.

Maybe this is an improvement for a boy born with his ears too close to his head.

We’ll see…

I used to dislike being alone.

I was much younger and there was some fear there.  I just felt like I had to have people around me to talk to.  I needed company.

Then it happened.

I discovered what the cliché “personal relationship with God” meant.

He came into my life in a strange way.  I got to the point where I did not know where to turn and then finally I turned to Him.  He welcomed me and became my Lord and Savior.

Sometimes it works like that.

Something else I discovered.

I will never be alone again.

I started liking alone time; that time was my time to be with God. Away from people.

Sometimes I “lay it all out” for Him in my alone time, in my prayers.   Sometimes my prayers are not so great.  Even those days when I am tired and fuzzy-headed I feel His presence.  I know I am not alone.

It occurs in the early morning hours.

With my hot cup of coffee.

In a darkened room.

Of course, alone time or quality time may not be your love language.  You don’t want to be alone.

Even if quality time is your preference, you may not want to be in a darkened room, with a cup of coffee, early in the morning.

That’s ok.

But make the effort to find what works for you.

If you have learned that quality time is your love language, experiment with different things.

Here are 6 tips from website entitled “Momsanity.”

1.set aside time.  It is hard but be selfish about this. It’s important.  Take time out of your busy day, no matter how busy it gets.  You may have to be creative.  When traveling with others, take a walk alone.  When in a car, turn off the radio and just talk to God.  I  like my alone time and I am highly motivated to have it, but sometimes others don’t understand.  They have their interests and they make demands on your time.  But it is important to guard this time with God, more important than any person’s worldly demands.

2.garden bench, deck, front porch, under a tree, in your favorite chair [it does not matter] but you need to be alone.  You need to get away from the computer, the tv, the radio, the phone; you know, the distracting devices of modern day life.  All that stuff will be there when your quality time is over.

3.some people use devotion books, Bibles and journals as they are alone.  My focus is on prayer so I do my study later in the day.  If you need a devotion to kick start your day, use one.  There are so many.  One I have used over the years is Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman.  Over my Christian life, I have noted special things that have happened on the pages.  It is so interesting to go through it in later years and recall when I was on my walk with Christ on that date years ago.

4.have post-it notes available.  Competing thoughts do come and one thing I do to “set them aside” is to jot the ideas on a post-it note and that note just sits there.  I know I can come back to it later and I can continue on with my quality time.

5.be intentional.  Some people don’t understand but make this a ritual.  If you love quality time, make quality time a priority.  I believe this.  If you want a new habit, make it a ritual.  God wants to speak to you.  You need to speak to God.  He will show up.  You need to show up too.

6.ask the Holy Spirit to help. We all have one. It is called The Helper in the Bible  [John 14:26—“ But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I said to you.”  When you are in need of a special connection, ask for His help and He will show you what to do, help you with what to say, lead you to what you need to read.  He is there for you and will not fail you if you ask for help.

Self-reflexive—the ability to think about yourself and know who you are.  It takes time to discover this sometimes but it is worth it.  It is important to know what you need and after you think you know, do what you need.

Make yourself a priority.

You are important.

God is that important.

Make time every day for Him.

“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either.”  Luke 6: 27-29

Dr. Chapman asks us to appreciate people.  In fact, along with the things we have been blessed with, he asks us to recognize the blessings of people in our lives.

He recommends that we start with our immediate family and then branch out to our less immediate family;  then friends in all the parts of your life.

But what about the people who drive you crazy?

Love them too.

As it says in Luke, Jesus sets a high standard for all of us.  He does not intend us to ignore the irritating and frustrating people we have around us.

This is what I have learned, primarily late in life and mostly in church.

1.I often have the wrong idea about people.  People are not mean and hateful for no reason; there is usually a good reason for that type of behavior.  They are struggling with a problem or they have some illness themselves or a loved one, maybe their job is driving them crazy or maybe their spouse.  You get the point.  People have problems and those problems affect their behavior.

2.Many people need to share their problems with others.  Some may be too proud to do that but even the proud will eventually give little hints about their struggles and when they do give you some indication about their stress and strain, all you have to do is listen.  Let them know you are paying attention.  Let them know their problems are important.

3.Once people give you some indication of their worries, you can begin to see why they are acting the way they are.  It all makes sense and it rarely is anything that you are doing.  It most often is the problem causing them stress and you happen to be in their environment and they vent on you.

How many times have you taken that ventilation personally?  You have become offended and reacted negatively.  You may have held a grudge.  Maybe you held the grudge for a long period of time.

Once, I had a “friend” who attacked me verbally while I was playing golf with him.  I was much younger at the time and I reacted negatively.  I got so angry that I decided to never have anything to do with him again.  I went out of my way to avoid him at work and at play for about a year.  I found out later that he had just received news the day that he attacked me that his brother was going blind.  I still could not forgive him.  I thought his behavior was awful.  Since we worked at the same place, it was inevitable that we would be in the same place from time to time and eventually, he was in my office and I decided to clear the air.  I had thought about him a lot over the past year.  Most of the thoughts were negative.  I experienced a lot of stress about why he behaved the way he did.

We had our talk.  I told him how upset I was when he verbally abused me.  I will never forget how he reacted.  He expressed shock that he had caused such a reaction.  He apologized and admitted that he had not thought about that day one time since it had happened.

I was the one who carried around the anger and frustration.

He had none.

My anger and frustration only did one thing to me—it made me negative, it hurt my outlook on life, it made my temper worse.

Now at my age I look back on what happened and wonder why God put that episode in my life and I think I know.

To teach me that holding onto hate for another is a fruitless activity.

Yes that man, that day, was unlovable.  Did he need to be loved? Yes he did.  Should I have found a way to love him?  I should have.

I was not able to muster the love I needed.

The love God expected for me to have.

God expects us to love the unlovable.

Over this past weekend, the picture above was too much on the news.  That picture was from Texas.

Severe storms and floods have been hitting Texas and many have lost all.

Then we start reading Chapter 8 in Dr. Chapman’s book and we learn about Emily.

Wasn’t it fascinating to think about God’s gifts?

Most of us ask God for things too much when we pray.  It’s almost like God is not God; he’s Santa and we present him with a wish list when we pray.

God is not like that.

But God has given us a lot.

Emily got up one morning and she decided to thank God for all her gifts.  She became determined to thank God for everything she had.

What did that do?

It made her realize that she had a lot.

She started with her bed, the pillows, the mattress, the sheets,the blanket and on and on.  She started going all around the house touching things and thanking God.

Running water, indoor plumbing, rugs, mirrors, chairs, clocks, on and on and on.

What if we lost it all?

In a tornado?

What if we were homeless?   My Sunday School class is developing an interest in working with Micah Mission Center.  It will be a shock.  Micah is a hangout for people who are trying to get off the street.  Many people who are there are drug addicts or prostitutes and some are just plain homeless.  They are living under bridges or trying to camp out under cheap plastic.

I have been to Micah and when I was there, the place was abuzz with activity.

I was talking to the Director, Brad Shuck, and he told me of a woman who came into the Center and she was living under a bridge.  She had a simple request.  She wanted a roll of toilet paper.  When Brad gave her a roll, she broke down and cried.

Can you relate?

Probably not; because we take our tables, air conditioners, lamps, coffee pots, books, tvs and couches for granted.  We have not lost it all.

We take toilet paper for granted.

Does it come from God?

Of course it does.

Should we appreciate it and give thanks for it?

Sure we should.

We don’t.

We might someday…if we lose it all.

Give Thanks!

Last week the focus was on learning about self; as we discussed how much we pay attention to ourselves, how well we can imagine others’ views of the world, how well we have developed our communication repertoire, how secure we are in our sense of self, and how we can navigate the process of learning new ideas [from awkwardness to integrated behavior].

This week, Dr. Chapman is asking us to consider the beauty of learning new things.

I put the road map above to symbolize how we live life sometimes.

When you are driving, have you ever taken a new road, an unfamiliar road?  Have you ever done that just for fun?

Have you ever been lost and enjoyed it?  [I have a relative who has overwhelming fear at the idea of being lost.]

Have you ever taken a vacation in such a strange place that you did not know anything at all about the location and you had to discover where to go and what to do once you got there?

Believe it or not it’s kind of like learning new things.

As human beings, we often like the familiar, even though the familiar can become habitual and habits can become boring.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t advocate ridding our lives of all habit.  A few years ago, I started a nightly habit of flossing my teeth every night and I am glad I did.  [Dr. Oz says that it is a very good thing to do for your overall health].  When I go to the dentist, the hygienist raves about how my flossing is paying off as she cleans my teeth.

But everything does not need to be habitual, especially if it leads to boredom.

One of the key features in effective long-term intimate relationships is how partners negotiate the novelty-predictability spectrum.  To explain, couples need to figure out how to have novelty from time to time along with predictability.

I once knew of a couple who was addicted to drugs.  They lived life fueled by the need to get high.  Sometimes they had money and sometimes they did not.  Sometimes they had a job and sometimes they lost their employment.  Sadly the need for the high continued and they had to satisfy that.  They resorted to bumming money off of family and friends.  They sold stuff and pawned stuff and sadly they even stole things to get their “fix.”

Why do I tell this story?  Because that couple lived a life of too much novelty and not enough predictability.

How can one get that nice blend of novelty and predictability?

No one wants to have multiple daily surprises.  But no one wants everyday boredom either.  Dr. Chapman says “there is nothing wrong with order.  In fact, doing the same things in the same order may even conserve time.”   He admits that shaking things up is good for us mentally.  “We are also innately creative.  As we tap into our creative nature, life becomes more exciting and less predictable…variety stimulates the mind.  It is easier to keep the mind active if you change your routine.”

Have you ever found yourself mindlessly saying the Lord’s Prayer in worship service?  Have you said the Apostles Creed without thought?  Have you ever spent time with a pastor that used the same phrases over and over again and he said them quickly, as if they were automatic?

Well get ready…

This week Dr. Chapman is going to challenge us all to try to explore new roads.

At the end of the road we take we will find God.  It won’t hurt us to experience a little excitement and creativity as we travel along the way.

I believe that He appreciates that.

http://personality-testing.info/tests/SMS/

Dr. Chapman is getting ready to ask us to learn how to speak different love languages than our own in upcoming chapters so this week he has encouraged us to discover our preferred love language.

All this week I have tried to supplement his chapter by discussing components of effective interpersonal communication.

I have encouraged you to take the love language profile so you can see your preference.  Then I wrote about people who are so comfortable with their own self-concept that they meet the needs of others.  I added the ability to perform a wide range of behaviors [a well-developed communication repertoire] and yesterday the mental ability to understand other points of view [mental frameworks].

Today I have begun the post with an interesting scale that I encourage you to take.  It is about paying attention to yourself–technically called self-monitoring.  This is not necessarily a bad thing.  In fact if you are trying to change your communication behavior, it is a good thing.

People who score high in self-monitoring have the ability to pay close attention to their behavior and use their observation to shape the way they behave.  Sound self-centered?  Maybe you could see it that way, but self-monitoring is a key component in making changes.  People who score low in self-monitoring don’t pay any attention to their behavior and they are often perceived as incompetent in interpersonal situations.  They often are not even aware of their blunders.

High self-monitors have a “detached view” of themselves.  To explain this, they have the ability to see themselves as other see them.   Interpersonal communication scholars Ronald Adler and Russell Proctor describe high self-monitors as “they have the detachment to ask themselves ‘how am I doing’ and to change their behavior if the answer isn’t positive.”  In short, they are constantly gathering information from their environment and adapting.  They are trying to fit in.

Where does this “fit in” with the discussion of love languages?  Well Dr. Chapman will be asking us to adapt to the ones we love.  Do we just speak the language we prefer to people who don’t prefer it?  Can you put your preference aside and speak a language that your loved ones need?

High self-monitors will be able to do that.

Low self-monitors will struggle.

Again Adler and Procter state that low self-monitors are so unaware of others that they are “blissfully ignorant of their shortcomings.”  They “overestimate” their communication skills.  Studies of communication skills in humorous situations report that low self-monitors think they are funny despite reports from partners who say they are not funny at all.

Low self-monitors are not able to see how they are coming across to others.

Take the scale.  It is free.  The sponsoring agency is probably a graduate school somewhere and they will ask you if they can tabulate your results; that is all.  They will not try to sell you anything.  Skip the add-on activity if you prefer and go right to results.

A little knowledge about yourself is good.

Self-monitoring is a key skill in becoming adept at learning how to use others’ love languages and that is the whole point of  God Speaks Your Love Language.

Ok you have knowledge of your love language and you have knowledge of your loved one’s love language.

Wednesday the discussion was about how a person with a “comfortable” sense of self will have an easier time meeting the needs of others.

Yesterday we discussed the person who has the ability to exhibit a wide range of communication behaviors vs the person who has a limited repertoire of behaviors.

Today it’s all about cognitive complexity.

Wow where did that term come from?

Believe it or not, I was introduced to this idea in graduate school and today it is a key term in explaining why some people are good at understanding others and others are not.

Without boring you too much, let’s dig into it a bit.

Explaining with the use of extremes, let’s say that two types of people exist in the world:  ones with a high level of cognitive complexity and ones with a low level of cognitive complexity.

High level people can think about other people in a very complex way.  They construct “frameworks” which help them imagine what other people around them are experiencing.

Say someone seems to be mad at you.  They are a friend.  You go to church with them.  In fact that’s how you know them, through church.  You have worked on a project or two with them and have enjoyed the experience.  You thought they enjoyed working with you too.   Now they are upset and don’t seem to want to work with you anymore.  You have approached them about another upcoming project and have been rebuffed.  They seem irritated and frustrated and despite your friendly overtures, they are not indicating any interest in working with you.

Let’s look at this from a low level view.

“This person hates me.”

That may be the only explanation you come up with regarding this person’s behavior and you are sticking to it.  You really don’t try to understand any more.

Let’s look at this from a high level view.

“In the past, we got along so something has changed.  This person might hate me because I have done something to offend but I can’t really imagine what that would be.  This person has had a very sick spouse.  Maybe the pressure of caring for the spouse is getting to them.  I heard from another friend that the person’s job has become more demanding.  It is taking more hours from their day and they are having to learn new stuff.  This person loves to work on projects at church, especially creative projects and maybe they are upset that they are having to choose between work and their creative impulses.  Maybe they have become mean.  Maybe they are going through a health problem and they are sick and they refuse to share that information.”

Many of you may prefer the low level view.  It’s simple and after you come up with the conclusion, you can move on to other things.

However, many people who study communication feel the low level view ignores reality.  People are complex and they have different viewpoints and different motivations for their behavior.

How does all of this relate to Dr. Chapman’s love languages?

He wants us to learn to speak a love language that is not our preference.  Using my situation as a particular example:  I score high on physical touch and words of affirmation.  My wife scores high on acts of service and quality time.  How am I going to provide love language messages that she needs?

I am going to have to imagine what acts of service and quality time activities will please her.  Without that ability to create a framework that would fit her love language needs, I will never be able to speak the language she needs.

What is my tendency: to approach her with physical touch or words of affirmation.   Both of those love languages don’t work for her.

I am going to have to create a new framework for my wife outside of my world.  I am going to make an effort to understand her world, her needs.  I don’t need to make her become me.  She is fine the way she is.

I just need to increase my ability to use cognitive complexity.

Ok you have knowledge of your love language and you have knowledge of your loved one’s love language.

Where do you go now?

Yesterday the discussion was about how a person with a “comfortable” sense of self will have an easier time meeting the needs of others.

Today, we will discuss the person who has the ability to exhibit a wide range of communication behaviors vs the person who has a limited repertoire of behaviors [maybe a one trick pony, so to speak].

Why is this important?

People who can choose between a larger range of responses to others can communicate better.

Duh.

Why do I bring this up?  People who take interpersonal communication seriously [that should be all of us] report that the best communicators one-to-one are people who can make choices about their communication depending on the situation they are in.

Poor communicators say the same things over and over, never varying their responses.

When you have a larger variety of responses at your disposal, you can pick from your repertoire the response that has the best chance of success.

Let me give you an example.  You are married to a person who has a “love tank” that you can fill with acts of service.   You know they want you to clean out the garage so they can pull their car in [they want to work on the exterior of the car].  They have stated this and given you several polite hints.

Your love language is words of affirmation.

How can you respond to your spouse?

1.  “I will do that.  You are a lovely wife.  I appreciate you.”

2.  You ignore the request, hoping she will see that you are busy with your own projects.

3.  You joke about it, saying ‘I am a slob. You should have married a neater guy.

4.  You give her a big hug.

5.  You can see she is irritated and later in the day, you go to the corner market and get her an ice cream bar.

6.  Later in the day, you take her on a picnic and then you go to a movie together.

7.  You start working on the garage and get it cleaned out by the end of the day.

Here are seven responses that may work and they may not.

However this is not “rocket science;”  you know the one that will work best.  The wife is an “acts of service” person so only number seven will work for her.

The first response might work with a person who responds to words of affirmation so keep it in your tool box, but it won’t work for your wife. She will think it is “all talk.”   Number two is going to infuriate the wife if you do it more than once.  It is a response but you have to be in an emergency for people to forgive you for this one.  Joking about the situation is a little better than no response but an “acts of service wife” will not appreciate it.  A big hug is a total waste.  She does not respond to physical touch and that is meaningless.  Getting her a gift if just a distraction and she is wise; she knows that and won’t appreciate your gift.  Quality time is a nice idea but again [like the gift] it won’t do the trick.  It will only distract.

Number seven is the only one that will work.

Acts of Service people are big believers in “show me.”  If you love me “show me” how much you love me by doing something for me.

In a recent newsletter sent to my email box, Dr. Chapman gives some examples of acts of service that can give you insight about this person’s love language needs:  “Today is all about noticing [for the person trying to fill the love tank of an acts of service spouse.  Take notice of some things that may be small irritations to your spouse. Maybe it’s the trash that needs to be taken out, the stain on the carpet or couch, the stack of papers that needs to be organized, the unmade bed, or the overflowing junk drawer. Whatever it is, take the initiative. Acts of Service are intentional.”

Don’t get me wrong, the six responses above can work but not with her.  They may be effective tools to leave in your communication toolbox but they are not the correct tool to use in this situation.

From one of my favorite books entitled Looking Out Looking In by Ronald Adler and Russell Proctor, they say it best: “Like a piano player who only knows one tune or a chef who can prepare only a few dishes, these people [who have few choices] are forced to rely on a small range of responses again and again, whether or not they are successful.”

It is good to have a wide range of behaviors and when you know which response will work, go ahead and choose it.  Options are nice, but is tough to live the life of the “one trick pony.”

Guess what; it is also tough to be married to the “one trick pony.”

Oh boy, showing my age today…

I remember as a kid watching tv and a cartoon character named Popeye.   Some of you may recall him.  He was a sailor who had extraordinarily large forearms.  He smoked a corncob pipe and had a scraggly “pirate sounding” voice.

Popeye would always encounter trouble, usually in the form of a bully named Bluto.

Popeye was not up to the task when Bluto started roughing him up but Popeye had a secret weapon—a can of spinach.  I remember that when he needed strength, he grabbed a can and squeezed it with his hand and the spinach came out of the top of the can, right into his mouth.

This gave him the strength he needed to fight Bluto.  He was transformed into a very strong man.

As he did this, he always seemed to say the same thing:  “I am what I am and that’s all that I am.”

Can you say that sentence?  “I am what I am and that’s all that I am?”

As you take your love language profile, can you accept yourself?

This is a key to change in the early stages, believe it or not.

We should not be in the business of changing others.  We need to analyze ourselves and learn to accept who we are.

First we have to admit that we all have a self-concept, a picture of ourselves that has been “built” through the years by others’ images of us that they have shared, social comparisons to others, teachings from our culture and how we wind up evaluating ourselves.  It is a complex process but as years go by, the self-concept is formed.

How aware are you of your self-concept?   Some people have great awareness while others have little.

Some people think about what they do and seem to be able to imagine how they are coming across to others.   They have the ability to adapt to feedback from others if things are not going well.  Others are literally a “bull in the china shop.”  They have little self-awareness and don’t worry about it.  Their attitude is “take me or leave me. I don’t care.”

If you find yourself listening to others, seeking information about yourself and sharing with others you will likely grow in knowledge about yourself.

What if you take the love languages profile but don’t accept the results?

Is it because you really don’t see yourself as the profile says you are or are you not self-aware?

If you are lacking in self-awareness you will not pay attention to how you are expressing yourself.

Dr. Chapman says it best in these words: “If my primary love language is words of affirmation, then I will tend to use words to express my love for my wife.  I am giving her what would make me extremely loved.  But if that is not her primary love language, words will not mean to her what they would mean to me.”

Can you learn to fill someone’s love tank with a new way of expression even though it is not your love language?

You can, if you are comfortable with yourself.

If you have tremendous needs that must be filled, you will struggle with this.  Egocentrism is not a key to having success with love languages.  Selfishness will not help you have success with  love languages.  Lack of self-awareness will not help you fill someone else’s love tank.

Being comfortable with yourself will help.

If you are comfortable with yourself and your needs have not been met, you are ok with it.  You are willing to put someone else first.  You know what to do to express love to another because you pay attention to their habits of communication.

It is time for you to squeeze the spinach can and tackle this problem.

Learn to express the language that they need to hear because you are ok.

You can say “I am what I am and that’s all that I am.”

And you mean it.

Dr. Chapman is wanting us to change.

He wants us to learn our own love language preferences.

One more time:

find out your love language at  http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/.

He wants us to learn to speak the love language of others, people we care for, people we love.

Why is this so hard?

Habit.

A habit is a routine that has occurred so often that it is an unconscious, repeated behavior or response.  Habits become unnoticed in our behavior because we do not self-analyze much.  Habits can be efficient but they can also be horrible if the habits are damaging.  What happens psychologically is that we have neural pathways that form in our brains and we make those stronger with repeated thoughts and actions.  Why are habits hard to break?  It takes hard work.

Let’s say you want to change your communication habits.

Today I am going to write about the stages one goes through to learn a new communication skill.

Let’s be real.  The first thing I hear from people when they are trying a new skill is “I feel strange.”  Why is this the most normal response?   Because you are disrupting your neural pathways [that’s the technical answer].  The less technical answer is you are doing something new and you are very self-aware.  Your new behavior may be better but the fact that it seems strange makes it seem not so great in the beginning.  What would be easier?  Your old habits.  You can easily revert back to them and the strangeness will go away but your communication will not improve.  This first stage is called beginning awareness.

Let’s say you are sticking with your efforts.  What’s next?  You are performing the behavior but you are awkward at it.  You lack grace.  Here’s a behavior example that is not communication related but you will get the point.  About two months ago, I bought a new bike.  It was a form of exercise I thought I would try in the warm months of the year.  Of course, I have been a bike rider before so the basics of riding were in place.  This bike was different.  It had a high seat so I can get full leg extension as I peddle it.  There is no kick stand.  So what do you have to do?  Get off the seat when you come to a stop.  The owner of the bike store is a friend so he graciously went with me on a ride as I began to use the bike.   He explained how you have to hit the brakes and slide off the seat at the same time.  I am much better at this after two months but believe me, I was very awkward at this skill on that inaugural ride and the next 3 or 4 rides.  It’s the same with a new communication skill.  We want to be smooth but we are not.  People who study learning new communication skills say “you have to be willing to look bad in order to get good.”  At this stage called awkwardness, frustration can set in easily and again, you revert to your old habits and the awkwardness goes away.

Everything improves in the third stage.  You feel you are developing a new skill.  You have to think about what you are doing but you are able to do it.  You are less awkward but this is caused by thinking and planning.  You don’t just automatically do a new behavior, you work through it and perform it.  That’s a good way to think about this skillfulness stage.  To others it may look like you are doing something naturally but you know you are not.  You are thinking your way through your new behavior.  Really this stage could be renamed the “consciously skilled” stage.

Time passes.  You repeat your new behavior several times.  You have good results.  Your confidence builds.  You get good feedback from others.  Guess what happens?  Your behavior slowly becomes more automatic.  Integrated is a good way to describe what is happening.  The new behavior is becoming natural to you. This integration stage is what you want.  You want to add a new behavior to your repertoire.

If you are trying to speak a new love language, now you know what you face.  Competence does not come overnight.  It is a long haul.  It is a commitment on your part.

But what is the payoff?

Better relationships with the ones you love.  A better relationship with God.

Let’s get started!

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