St. John Studies

From “The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted” by Dr. Chapman:

“Jill walked into my office with a slight smile on her face…Soon we were discussing her marriage.  ‘Some days I feel like giving up.  I just don’t feel Bob is willing to meet me halfway.  He gives me little help with the children and does almost nothing around the house.  He says his job takes all his energy, but I work all day too.  On Saturday, he says he needs to play golf so he can recuperate from the week.  Well maybe I need something too, but I don’t get it.  Someone has to take care of the kids and the house.’”

“Two weeks later I get to talk to Bob… ‘She is so demanding.  I thought when I got married I was leaving my mother but she is worse than my mother.  I can’t ever do enough for her.  If I vacuum the floors, she wants to know why I did not fold the clothes.  According to her, I am a ‘no good husband’, so I have almost quit trying.”

These passages are all too familiar in marriages.

The reason I open with them is that this marriage obviously needs to change.  In real life, other family relationships need to change, friendship relationships need to change and even work relationships need to change.

For the better…

But how do we start?

First of all, don’t find fault in another.  If you ask Jill, she would say that Bob is 95% of the problem.  Ask Bob and the 95% would go Jill’s way.  The fact of the matter is, the problems are created by both of these people and percentages really don’t matter.

I have gone through this.

Where did I start?

With myself.

I do need to find fault but it is not with my spouse, it is with me.  It is not my business to change my spouse.  It is my business to change me if I can.  Matthew 7 says “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.”  This is the famous part of the Bible where Matthew describes the speck and the plank.  Both Jill and Bob see the speck in their own eyes and planks in their partner’s.  Who is in charge of real change?  I am in charge of real change for me and I can do it.

I do need to make a list of faults but it is a list of my faults, not my spouse’s.  If I am bossy, I need to stop doing that.  If I am a very indirect communicator, I need to be kind and direct.  If I am a poor listener, I need to start paying attention.  If I interrupt my spouse, I need to value her comments and stop interrupting her in mid thought.  It can be a daunting list but it needs to be honest and I need to do triage with it.  Some problems are more major than others and the most serious need the most immediate attention.

Ask forgiveness of God and ask forgiveness from your spouse.  To be honest, asking forgiveness from God is the easiest part.  At least, God is not physically present and looking right at you.  That makes it easier but also that makes it one of those situations where you can take the act of forgiveness less seriously.  You can go through the motions with God but I wouldn’t.  God knows your heart.  The forgiveness from your spouse is harder.  You have to admit that you have done wrong.  You will have to commit to doing something differently and you can’t worry about the other person admitting wrong.  That is up to them.

You need to begin to tear down the wall between you and your spouse.  I know this is hard to comprehend but that’s what Dr. Chapman has been trying to do all the way through his book.

He wants you to take the love language profile and become aware of your needs for love language.  He wants you to realize your love language preferences are what you are probably expressing to your loved one, even though he/she may not have the same profile.  Find some way to get your loved one to take the profile and maybe “buy into” the need to have mutual accommodation.  Success with Dr. Chapman’s book comes from people believing in the need to fill the others’ love tank.  What happens then?  Possibly more mutual happiness.

His whole book is designed to make you aware and to get you to change.

Change [as I have said so many times in this blog] is HARD!

But that does not mean that the effort is not worth it.  It is.

Remember the opening lines of Chapter 9.

“Real love includes discipline.  If we love we will correct.”

Crazy Love   by  Pastor Francis Chan

Study begins Monday June 15   Available at Amazon, Amazon Kindle and Christianbook.com…

Dr. Chapman raises this question in Chapter 9 when he brings up the topic of persistent pain and disease.

What’s a Christian to do?

Pray…

But what if prayer seems to be doing no good?  The pain and disease are still there and maybe they are even getting worse.

How are we to respond?

Do we just give up?  Do we get angry?  Do we start blaming God?  Do we lose the faith that we have?

All of those things can happen and more but why can’t a loving God stop the suffering and pain?

It is hard but here are some responses that are different from giving up, anger, blame and losing one’s faith.

Isiah 55:8  “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.”  Literally, you and I cannot understand the ways of God.  He has the “big picture” whereas, we have little idea about what is going on.  Does it bother you to confess to lack of knowledge and admit that God has infinite knowledge?  I have to admit that it does not bother me as much as it soothes my mind to know that I don’t know it all.  God does.  All I have to do is have the faith that He has my best interest at heart.

Having the right heart attitude.  Sometimes God is waiting for us to have the right heart or right attitude.  I am not saying that God tests us and if we pass the test, He will grant our prayers but if we are full of hate and anger, those feelings might get in the way.  What if I have a sin that I am actively committing and I know it is a sin.  I keep doing it over and over.  I don’t confess it.  I refuse to confess it.  Will God answer my prayers?  Maybe not.  What if I harbor a grudge against someone and I won’t let it go?  I refuse to lessen my negative feelings for that person.  That’s another thing that might get in the way of answered prayer.

Don’t just stop.  1 Thessalonians 5:17 tells us what to do, “pray without ceasing.”  If we want our prayers answered, we can’t just quit and expect that God will grant our prayers.  He wants us to keep it up.  Persistence can pay off when it comes to prayer.  Paul is very clear in Philippians 4:6 when he says, “In everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”  We have problems in life, we have temptations, we get discouraged but God wants us to pray through those things.  He wants us to persevere.

His will be done.  Everyone has heard the phrase “Thy will be done”, a part of the Lord’s Prayer.  What does praying in God’s will mean?  Can you pray outside God’s will?  For God, the granting of a positive response to prayer is all about timing.  God’s time is not our time.  Praying in God’s will is acknowledging how powerful God is and as humans we cannot manipulate God.  Sometimes I pray like I am praying to Santa and I want this and this and this from my wish list.  It does not work like that.  God knows what is best for me and I don’t.   We may be praying for healing for a loved one but our all-powerful God won’t heal our loved one until the right time and in the right circumstance.  His will.  This requires great patience on our part but also great maturity and wisdom.  “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6.  We can try to manipulate things to get what we want but that may not work.  God knows the best way to solve problems and the best time.  Lean on God for the answers and the timing.

Jesus was our role model for prayer.  On the Mount of Olives, he began to weaken in his resolve to go to the cross.  He asked that the cup be taken from Him.  But even though he was experiencing anguish to the point that His sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground, He said “Yet not my will but yours be done.”  He knew that His Father knew best and He may have to endure great suffering.  An angel from heaven was sent to comfort Him.

We must believe that an angel will be sent to comfort us, even as we endure persistent pain and disease.

And unanswered prayers.

I know you have used a global positioning system [GPS] in your car and when you took a wrong turn, you heard it speak those words to you “recalculating.”

What does that mean?

The GPS is trying to show you how to get back on the road to reach your destination.

For the Christian, we are trying to go down the road to our destination.  We are trying to get to Heaven and as we are here on earth, we try to stay as close to Jesus Christ and his Father God as much as possible.

Sometimes it does not work that way.

Sometimes we get off the road.

Chapter 9 is full of examples of people who got off on the wrong road.  Dr. Chapman includes Megan as a prime example of a young woman who gave herself to a man who was a bad influence on her.  She lost her faith due to his agnostic beliefs which spread to her.

Sometimes it is the pursuit of money.   Money is such a desirable commodity in society today.  Every day we see “rich” people in the media, people who seem to have perfect lives due to the power of their massive amounts of cash.

Sometimes it is the pursuit of power.  Control over others is very tempting.  It gives one the sense that they can manipulate others to get their way, control their own destiny.

The list goes on and on.

Human beings can worship many gods, except the One True God.  I have a friend who worships his car.  I have friends who worship golf.  I have friends who worship their children; their kids can literally do no wrong.

God will only stand so much of this and as Chapter 9 says, God will step in and discipline us.  When does God do this?  Dr. Chapman says “When we are walking away from God and we are in danger of bringing harm on ourselves and others.”

Sometimes the discipline involves painful circumstances.

I have known this first hand.

When I was furthest from God, He put me in a situation where my heart was broken.  Only He could put it back together, with aid from wonderful Christians here on earth.

Why did this have to happen?  He knew I was putting academic achievement, work success and power over Him.  New gods were replacing The God.  I was spending no time with family, no time in church, no time with God.

He wanted me back.

I did not see what was going on when I was experiencing the anguish.  I was in the moment and not able to visualize God’s plan.  As years have passed, I have a better view.  I can see that correction was needed and I had to endure it.  I needed my GPS to recalculate.

When recalculating is occurring, it is good to remember that God knows what we need, more than we know ourselves.  It is also good to know that God has a good plan for us.     Jeremiah 29:11   “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

In times of recalculation, we need to hold on to this scripture and have faith that God is on our side.  In times of recalculation when the pain is happening, it is good to remember that it is pain for purpose.

God does not want to harm us.  He really loves us and always will love us.

Even in times of recalculation.

Strother Martin,  playing a prison warden talking to a stubborn prisoner Paul Newman in the 1967 film “Cool Hand Luke”.

Let me give you more context:

Captain: You gonna get used to wearing them chains after a while Luke. Don’t you never stop listening to them clinking, ’cause they gonna remind you what I been saying for your own good.

Luke: I wish you’d stop being so good to me, Cap’n.

Captain: Don’t you ever talk that way to me. (pause, then hitting him) NEVER! NEVER! (Luke rolls down hill; to other prisoners) What we’ve got here is failure to communicate. Some men you just can’t reach.

This is one of the most quoted lines in American film.  In fact it ranks 11^th in the American Film Institute’s top 100 most popular film quotes.

Why would I open with this?

This week Dr. Chapman will be discussing “When Love Seems Distant” in Chapter 9.    What can we do to keep those “failures to communicate” to a minimum?

Let’s create a scenario:  one person is trying to send a message from their mind to the mind of another.   The message is appreciation, respect, caring, maybe love.

Let’s keep the scenario simple.  The sender intends the message to go to the receiver with no problems.

However…

Problems do occur.

One of the most common problems we have seen is “crossed” communication line between people who don’t speak the same love language.

Say the sender is a “words of affirmation” person.

The receiver is an “acts of service” person.

What type of love language will the words of affirmation person likely use?  Words of affirmation.

That’s only natural.

How will those words of affirmation be received by the act of service receiver?  Maybe they won’t be received very well.  After all, they won’t do much to fill the “love tank” of the receiver.

What needs to be done?

Accommodation [also known as giving the other person what they want, being flexible, trying new skills etc].

In my humble opinion, accommodation is the linchpin of successful marriages.

Two people just don’t fit together perfectly…ever.  Yes I said it.  Two people never fit together perfectly.

Successful relationships are about the give and take of accommodation.  “Sender” needs to accommodate to “receiver” and learn to do acts of service.  “Receiver” needs to accommodate to sender and learn to appreciate love language efforts even when they are not the preferred love language.

The scenario flips.  Receiver needs to learn to affirm even though that is not their preferred language.  Sender needs to appreciate acts of service efforts when they would prefer words of affirmation.

Accommodation.

Yes folks, in today’s world, it goes both ways.   The days of a woman accommodating to a man’s needs are gone.  Men need to learn to accommodate to the needs of a woman too.

Chapter 9 is going to throw another key element into the mix besides accommodation.  Dr. Chapman is going to recommend discipline.  I would add focus.

What do you want?

Do you want relationships that work?

Do you want relationships that last?

Do you want relationships that are fun and enjoyable?

Get focused and get disciplined.

Make yourself try to do things that are not natural because there will be a payoff.

A “words of affirmation” sender needs to make an effort to clean out a junk drawer, take out the trash [unasked], make up a bed, hold open a door, cook a meal, hold open an umbrella on a rain-soaked day or let someone out of the car close to a door while they go and park the car.  What will happen?  The acts of service receiver will like it.

Accommodation + Discipline = Appreciation, Respect, Caring, maybe Love.

In communication, we overanalyze.  We make things too complex.  Is it really that hard to make the effort to learn a new love language?

What is your goal?

That should be your focus.

Discipline can get you acting in new ways.

Too often we just throw up our hands and we live with what life gives us and maybe what life is giving you is pretty mediocre.  Relationships deserve better than mediocre efforts.

None of us want someone standing over us declaring,  “What we got here is failure to communicate.”

Everyone is different and Dr. Chapman acknowledges that but he also knows that to be effective in showing Christian love to others, it is good to be able to learn other love languages than the ones you prefer.

I am a physical touch person.

When I took my “love language profile,” the results described my number one preference as “A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.”

I like to be touched.

I like to touch others.

What can you do if you encounter someone who does not want to be touched, yet you want to show them you care through this love language?

That happened to me the other day.  It does not happen much because I am careful to discern a person’s comfort level before I touch them.  Usually my touch is a handshake, a pat on the back and that is all.

The other day, I goofed.  There is a teenager at church that I really admire.  He is a leader.  He does things that other teens would not dare to do.  I like his confidence in front of crowds.  I admire the guy.

I saw him in a crowded hall on the ground floor of the education wing and I said hi and gave him a hug.

Wrong!

This young man did not like it; I could tell.

I did not apologize but I could tell his body language was the body language of the uncomfortable person.  He got stiff and the look on his face was a look of shock.

I had hugged a person who does not like physical touch.

Physical touch people need to be careful.  Too often they assume that all people are like them and they are not.

I proved that.

What do you need to do to use touch appropriately?

Dr. Chapman does not elaborate much but he tells touchers to ask this question: is the touch going to benefit the person touched?

If the touch is not for the benefit of the touchee, then it should not be done.

Touch can communicate manipulation and control.  Some touch is inappropriate in professional settings and can cross professional boundaries, especially in cross-gender situations.  Touch can communicate sexual interest which may be inappropriate.  Dr. Chapman says if touch is to “satisfy your own sensual desires, physical touch ceases to be an expression of love.”

He continues by saying that even though “exploitation is becoming common in contemporary culture, we must not allow our fear of being misinterpreted to keep us from speaking the authentic language of physical touch.”

I know what was in my heart when I hugged the young man at church.  I wanted to encourage him and I wanted to express my appreciation.

It did not work out.

Am I going to quit touching people?

No.

There are just too many people out there is this world that need it.

I know.  I am one of them.

There she was, close to the front row in the center section.  Roberta Jones.

If you have some history at St. John, you know who I am talking about.

I did not know her that well but I knew Roberta had been around for quite some time.

She came to church every Sunday and usually wore a hat in a day when women no longer wore hats.

Even when her health was giving her problems, she came to church.

I remember she was the lady who always gave the children candy canes for the candy cane Christmas story at the “Children’s Moment” part of the worship service.  You could always count on her candy canes.

Later in life, Miss Roberta could not do much but she did what she could do.

Today, churches are full of people who have decided that they can’t do anything.  Sure, as we get older it gets harder to help out,  but there is something for everyone to do.  Especially as we enter VBS season.

About this time of year, I hear the same refrains.  “It is time to let the young ones do the work.”  “I’m too old to help.”  “My kids are grown and there is no need for me to be involved.”  All these comments would not “fly” with people like Miss Roberta.

You see, some people feel like they are going to perform acts of service as long as they can.

Granted I have known some people who don’t age well.  As they get older, they just give up.  My father was one of those people.  I loved him but he was a man who could only do “man-sized” things.  As he aged and his body failed him, he would not be content with doing small things, things that were still helpful even though they were small.  He just gave up.  He spent most of his days with the television set, unable to motivate himself to action.

I believe God wants us to use what we have, even though it may be hard, even though the activity may be small.

Some will say again this year that VBS is “beyond them”.  They can’t participate.

But look at this partial list of jobs and the levels of activity associated with each act of service: kitchen duty, cook, server and kitchen cleaner.  Teacher or station leader.  Group leader/s.  Photographer.  Registration Helper.  Roamer for Safe Sanctuary.  Runner for Messages.  Runner for Emergency Supplies.  Decoration Helpers.  Funds need to be Donated for supplies and food.  Cookies can be baked for the kids.  The playground can be cleaned up prior to VBS.  People are needed to help tear down VBS.  There are even more jobs than this.

Surely there is somewhere where everyone can fit in, no matter your skills, no matter your activity level.

If you just can’t see where you belong, maybe you could spend time in serious prayer for VBS and Anita Murphy, the Director of Children and Youth [the VBS Director].

We can’t all do the heavy lifting but that’s ok.  VBS is a big job and for it to be a success, we need to all pull together as a church.

Dr. Chapman gives us ideas in Chapter 8 about acts of service.

Maybe VBS is your chance.

Miss Roberta would approve.

I don’t know how you hear these stories.

Supposedly, when I was an infant, this little old lady visited my house and leaned over the bassinette and declared “his ears are close to his head; he is going to be stingy.”

Well, she prophesied correctly.

Over the years I have definitely been that way.  Giving gifts if not one of my prime love languages and I admit it.   Over the years I have been a little hesitant to give things away.

However, I am surrounded by gift givers.

My wife is very generous.  Recently she received 5 graduating senior announcements and she is giving the kids generous gifts.   She is very insistent on our tithe going to church every Sunday.  When some animal organization calls, she often donates.  When a missionary comes to church, she gives.  When there is a Relay-for-Life ACS benefit, she gives.  The list goes on and on.  She is a gift giver.

I used to get agitated.  I am sure my blood pressure went up as I knew she was giving away our hard-earned money.

Now, I detect that I am slowly beginning to change.

God is going to take care of my wife and myself.  I know that.  He will give us enough money to live on and we have more than we need right now.

Recently at church, I taught several lessons on mission work in Sunday School.  My Sunday School class took the lessons literally.  They wanted to support Costa Rican children through a feeding program entitled “Fishes and Loaves.”  For $30, you can feed 1 child for 1 month.  The class treasurer and I said, let’s shoot for 10 children for a month which would be $300.  We were a little nervous.  We started taking up funds in January and we had until mid-May to get to $300.

By mid-May, we had $1290.00, enough to feed 43 kids a month.  Our class is not a big class.

What a gift.

This is happening a lot at St. John.

We have a man who is collecting cans and scrap metal for funding things at church.  He started shooting for an electronic sign in front and someone stepped up and bought the sign in total.  He started shooting for an internal television message system and someone stepped up and bought that.

Gifts…

The United Methodist Men have been reinvigorated and they have given hours to a family whose father is in hospice care.  The men have cleaned up the yard for this man.  Also on the menu is a ramp for another church member who cannot get into the house easily.  The giving continues…

We have a pastor who went to Micah Mission Center and a man walked in with large shoes.  The shoes had no bottoms.  You could see his feet.  She bought him some shoes right there on the spot.   This same woman has given our whole church a media subscription for 1 year.  This is over $100 per month for 1 year.  From her paycheck…her giving amazes me.

Someone in our neighborhood asked me to do a favor for them and I did it for no pay and to my knowledge they have not noticed that the work is done.  I have received no thanks but that’s ok.  The woman who asked me has her hands full with a husband who is very ill.   The fact that the work got done is all that matters.

Thursday a neighbor asked me

to loan him my truck.  I did it.  You might think that is no big deal, but remember, I’m the kid with the ears close to his head.

This morning I sent words of encouragement to a man who is leading a committee at church.  He is feeling a little ill-at-ease with his new responsibility but I want him to know that I think he can do the work.  He can.  He just needs encouragement.

What is happening?

Maybe I am changing…I don’t know.

My wife’s generosity is not making me as agitated as it used to.  I honor her efforts.  I think she is right in helping others.  I am growing to admire her trust in the Lord as she gives what God has given us to others—others who have real needs.  God will honor her giving.  God will honor our giving.

Maybe I am beginning to understand James 1:17  “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.”

God gives us all good gifts.

I don’t think He wants us to horde what we have.

He wants us to share; he wants us to care for others; he wants us to give gifts.

Maybe this is an improvement for a boy born with his ears too close to his head.

We’ll see…

I used to dislike being alone.

I was much younger and there was some fear there.  I just felt like I had to have people around me to talk to.  I needed company.

Then it happened.

I discovered what the cliché “personal relationship with God” meant.

He came into my life in a strange way.  I got to the point where I did not know where to turn and then finally I turned to Him.  He welcomed me and became my Lord and Savior.

Sometimes it works like that.

Something else I discovered.

I will never be alone again.

I started liking alone time; that time was my time to be with God. Away from people.

Sometimes I “lay it all out” for Him in my alone time, in my prayers.   Sometimes my prayers are not so great.  Even those days when I am tired and fuzzy-headed I feel His presence.  I know I am not alone.

It occurs in the early morning hours.

With my hot cup of coffee.

In a darkened room.

Of course, alone time or quality time may not be your love language.  You don’t want to be alone.

Even if quality time is your preference, you may not want to be in a darkened room, with a cup of coffee, early in the morning.

That’s ok.

But make the effort to find what works for you.

If you have learned that quality time is your love language, experiment with different things.

Here are 6 tips from website entitled “Momsanity.”

1.set aside time.  It is hard but be selfish about this. It’s important.  Take time out of your busy day, no matter how busy it gets.  You may have to be creative.  When traveling with others, take a walk alone.  When in a car, turn off the radio and just talk to God.  I  like my alone time and I am highly motivated to have it, but sometimes others don’t understand.  They have their interests and they make demands on your time.  But it is important to guard this time with God, more important than any person’s worldly demands.

2.garden bench, deck, front porch, under a tree, in your favorite chair [it does not matter] but you need to be alone.  You need to get away from the computer, the tv, the radio, the phone; you know, the distracting devices of modern day life.  All that stuff will be there when your quality time is over.

3.some people use devotion books, Bibles and journals as they are alone.  My focus is on prayer so I do my study later in the day.  If you need a devotion to kick start your day, use one.  There are so many.  One I have used over the years is Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman.  Over my Christian life, I have noted special things that have happened on the pages.  It is so interesting to go through it in later years and recall when I was on my walk with Christ on that date years ago.

4.have post-it notes available.  Competing thoughts do come and one thing I do to “set them aside” is to jot the ideas on a post-it note and that note just sits there.  I know I can come back to it later and I can continue on with my quality time.

5.be intentional.  Some people don’t understand but make this a ritual.  If you love quality time, make quality time a priority.  I believe this.  If you want a new habit, make it a ritual.  God wants to speak to you.  You need to speak to God.  He will show up.  You need to show up too.

6.ask the Holy Spirit to help. We all have one. It is called The Helper in the Bible  [John 14:26—“ But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I said to you.”  When you are in need of a special connection, ask for His help and He will show you what to do, help you with what to say, lead you to what you need to read.  He is there for you and will not fail you if you ask for help.

Self-reflexive—the ability to think about yourself and know who you are.  It takes time to discover this sometimes but it is worth it.  It is important to know what you need and after you think you know, do what you need.

Make yourself a priority.

You are important.

God is that important.

Make time every day for Him.

“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either.”  Luke 6: 27-29

Dr. Chapman asks us to appreciate people.  In fact, along with the things we have been blessed with, he asks us to recognize the blessings of people in our lives.

He recommends that we start with our immediate family and then branch out to our less immediate family;  then friends in all the parts of your life.

But what about the people who drive you crazy?

Love them too.

As it says in Luke, Jesus sets a high standard for all of us.  He does not intend us to ignore the irritating and frustrating people we have around us.

This is what I have learned, primarily late in life and mostly in church.

1.I often have the wrong idea about people.  People are not mean and hateful for no reason; there is usually a good reason for that type of behavior.  They are struggling with a problem or they have some illness themselves or a loved one, maybe their job is driving them crazy or maybe their spouse.  You get the point.  People have problems and those problems affect their behavior.

2.Many people need to share their problems with others.  Some may be too proud to do that but even the proud will eventually give little hints about their struggles and when they do give you some indication about their stress and strain, all you have to do is listen.  Let them know you are paying attention.  Let them know their problems are important.

3.Once people give you some indication of their worries, you can begin to see why they are acting the way they are.  It all makes sense and it rarely is anything that you are doing.  It most often is the problem causing them stress and you happen to be in their environment and they vent on you.

How many times have you taken that ventilation personally?  You have become offended and reacted negatively.  You may have held a grudge.  Maybe you held the grudge for a long period of time.

Once, I had a “friend” who attacked me verbally while I was playing golf with him.  I was much younger at the time and I reacted negatively.  I got so angry that I decided to never have anything to do with him again.  I went out of my way to avoid him at work and at play for about a year.  I found out later that he had just received news the day that he attacked me that his brother was going blind.  I still could not forgive him.  I thought his behavior was awful.  Since we worked at the same place, it was inevitable that we would be in the same place from time to time and eventually, he was in my office and I decided to clear the air.  I had thought about him a lot over the past year.  Most of the thoughts were negative.  I experienced a lot of stress about why he behaved the way he did.

We had our talk.  I told him how upset I was when he verbally abused me.  I will never forget how he reacted.  He expressed shock that he had caused such a reaction.  He apologized and admitted that he had not thought about that day one time since it had happened.

I was the one who carried around the anger and frustration.

He had none.

My anger and frustration only did one thing to me—it made me negative, it hurt my outlook on life, it made my temper worse.

Now at my age I look back on what happened and wonder why God put that episode in my life and I think I know.

To teach me that holding onto hate for another is a fruitless activity.

Yes that man, that day, was unlovable.  Did he need to be loved? Yes he did.  Should I have found a way to love him?  I should have.

I was not able to muster the love I needed.

The love God expected for me to have.

God expects us to love the unlovable.