St. John Studies

Bypassing: according to Dr. Joseph DeVito, bypassing is a pattern of miscommunication that occurs when the speaker and listener miss each other with their meanings.

Bypassing is caused by many things.

Causes can be physical noise in the environment, the medium we choose to communicate with, the words we choose, varying cultures, psychological/attitudinal barriers and just variety in perception.

Let me explore all of those with examples.

Say you are at a race track and loud cars are whizzing by at different intervals and they are loud!  You are trying to carry on a conversation but you are fighting this very distracting noise.  Words get lost and you have to make guesses about what is being said.

You are talking on a cell phone and the connection is weak and you can’t get all the message due to the poor reception.   That’s a problem as you miss parts of the message.

Words get used in conversation that can trigger responses in other people.  My wife absolutely hates certain words and if people use them around her, she will get upset and stop listening or at least get distracted away from the message.  Additional problems are caused by differences in vocabulary comprehension.  Some people have a strong knowledge of a large number of words while others don’t have that.  Words can be used which cause bypassing due to complex vocabulary vs. a weak vocabulary.

Cultural misunderstanding can be common in communication.  My daughter-in-law is from Colombia, South America and some of the expressions Americans use can be very confusing to her.  “You do the math,” “I want take out tonight” and “heads up” are expressions we use without problem but she is often confused by little short-hand talk like this.

Bypassing can also be caused by attitude or psychological barriers.  Mood often interferes.  Say I have a sleepless night and that is followed by a grouchy day.  My wife asks me to do a job for her and I grumble.  That is more of my mood talking than how I really feel about her.

Perceptual differences are the last problem because we all don’t see the world the same.  Essentially, what is important for one person may not be important for another.  Additionally, we literally don’t see the world the same.  It could be our angle of sight, our comprehension of the situation or even our ability to see, hear or smell reality.  Some of us have sensory deficits.

Dr. Chapman knows all these potential reasons for bypassing occur but his prime focus is bypassing caused by not understanding the love language needs of your partner.

He states, “If my primary love language is words of affirmation, then I will tend to use words to express my love for my wife.  I am giving her what would make me extremely loved.  But if that is not her primary love language, words will not mean what they would mean to me.”

Bypassing

What can we do to get beyond this problem?

What can we do to get our conversation bubbles to overlap?

Here are the short answers:  find out what your love language preference is.  If you have not taken the free profile, take it and learn the love language that you like.  It is easy to do at  http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ .

Find out what your partner’s love language preference is.  Can you get them to take the profile?  That’s the quickest route.  However, some people don’t want to participate for a multitude of reasons.  If there is a problem with your partner not wanting to take the profile, you have to pay attention to how they express themselves.  What do they complain about most often and what do they request most often?  These simple questions can yield clues to their love language preference.

This week, we will explore what we can do to help make our circles overlap, rather than bypass.

When you stop and think about it, it’s a wonder anyone understands another.

Let’s not let different love languages be the problem for bypassing.

Well maybe that is an overstatement but it is hard to find two people who are exactly alike.

Yesterday I posted a quiz that dealt with male and female differences.  I promised I would give you a little interpretation of the quiz.  Here goes…[again I have to credit the “Wise County Christian Counseling Website.”

1. True [Men understand women better than women understand men.]

“Long ago men accepted the fact that there is no way they are ever going to understand women. They understand that they don’t understand them. Women, however, still believe that they understand men—and they don’t. Women tend to believe if a man were (1) more mature; (2) mentally healthy; and/or (3) in touch with reality—then he’d be more like a woman. Expecting a man to be like a woman is the first step to misunderstanding men.”

2.   False [Women talk more than men.]

“The earlier studies that indicated that women talk more than men (e.g. one showed that men use 7,000 words a day and women use 20,000) have now been overturned and invalidated. Men talk just as much as women—when they feel connected. Connection is the key.”

3.   YES, YEP, AFFIRMATIVE, CONFIRMED [Men need more touching than women.]

“ ‘When two people touch, oxytocin is released. This is the bonding chemical that makes you feel close and want to snuggle. Oxytocin is also an amnesic, i.e. it makes you forget the bad times and disappointments. Estrogen enhances the effects of oxytocin and testosterone offsets the effects of oxytocin. Because the average man has more testosterone than the average woman, he needs more touching to feel close and bonded. Most men are “touch deprived.” Many women miss this important fact and fail to take advantage of an easy way to get closer to a man.’ “

4.   FALSE [Men hate to talk.]

“Men don’t hate to talk.  It’s just that they don’t get high from it like women do. If you look at the brain activity of a woman when she is talking, the pleasure and reward center is lit up like a Texas football field—they get off on it! It’s not that way with men. For eons women have used bonding and staying in communication as a primary coping mechanism, even more than the traditional strategies of fight or flight. Because of the survival value of talking, she is reinforced with feelings of pleasure and reward. A smart man knows one way to a woman’s heart is through conversation. A smart woman knows connect first; talk second.”

5.   FALSE [Men aren’t as in touch with their feelings as women.]

“In fact, there is evidence that men feel as deeply, even more deeply, than women. They do tend to use fewer emotional words than women which can lead women to wrongly believe that a man isn’t in touch with his feelings. To accuse a man of being insensitive and unfeeling is not only wrong—it’s rude.”

6.   SO VERY FALSE  [Relationships aren’t as important to men as they are to women.]

“This is not the truth. If you look at research, when a man gets divorced or loses his mate: depression goes up; drinking goes up; suicide goes up; unemployment goes up; his salary goes down; his health goes down. Relationships are vital to men in every way!”

7.   FALSE  [Work is the most important thing in a man’s life.]

“While it is true that a man (as well as society) judges a man by his ability to provide via work, a man will tell you that work has meaning because of the important people in his life. A woman may argue, “Well, he would go to work if I weren’t in his life!” And she would be right—but it wouldn’t have the same meaning. The woman in his life gives his life meaning over and above everything else. If you can get this one fact firmly anchored in your psyche, you will be one giant step toward understanding men.”

8.   TRUE  [Men think about sex more than women do.]

“All embryo are female until the 8th week of gestation when a flood of testosterone turns females into males. The primary result of this hormone bath is killing off of brain cells in the emotional language center and increasing brain cells in the sex and aggression center. So, yes, men do think about sex more than women, but this only applies to about 2/3 of men; the other 1/3 are more sensitive and emotional and need intimacy and relationship contact to think about sex, much like 2/3 of women.”

9.   FALSE  [Men are more aggressive than women.]

“If you factor in female ways of aggression, i.e. words and relationships, women are just as aggressive as men; in fact, there is some evidence that women are more aggressive than men.”

10.  FALSE  [A man’s greatest vulnerability is fear of control.]

“Men are far more susceptible to shame than to fear. The greatest vulnerability of a man is appearing weak, inadequate or failing at being a protector, provider, parent and/or lover. Generally speaking, women do not understand how important it is to a man to please his partner as well as the people he loves. This is why a loved one’s unhappiness and/or criticism have such a devastating effect on a man.”

11.  FALSE  [You connect to a man the same way you connect to a woman.]

“Women connect more through talking; men connect more through touching. If you want a man to talk, connect with him first. Women talk to connect; men have to connect to talk. Touch him; affirm him; ask for his help (“Honey, would you just listen to me for a couple minutes while I figure something out?”) Men love to help, they love to please; they also need and want connection.”

12.  FALSE  [A man’s favorite words are “Honey, we need to talk.”]

“ ‘However, it could be if most of your conversations went something like this: “Honey, do you realize how much I love and appreciate you? I realize I don’t always say it, but you make me so happy in so many ways. I just don’t tell you this enough. That’s all I needed you to hear. Thanks for listening!’ “

10-12 correct answers   You really understand men and women communication differences.

6-9 correct answers   Adjusting your perceptions for gender uniqueness is going to make your life 100% easier!

5 or less    Now you know why it’s been so difficult; you just don’t understand gender communication differences.  

I don’t like to quote much information on a post but this quiz was so correct in its reflection of current gender communication research.  I thought it would benefit the reader to take it.

Everybody’s different and Dr. Chapman is going to get into details about what we can do to bridge the differences.

I can tell you a couple of things.  1.  Trying to turn someone else into the person you want does not work.  2.   Acting like differences don’t exist does not work.  3. Taking the attitude that “my gender” has it all together; the other gender is really goofed up does not work either.

Oh by the way, touch comes up twice in the survey and since I am a person who has physical touch as my primary love language, the research is real.  I can’t turn my wife into a “toucher” though [she is not a toucher].  I realize she and I have differences.  And I don’t think being a man is any better than being a woman.

Let’s see what Dr. Chapman is up to in Chapter 7.

Here’s a tip:  If you have not taken you love language profile, now’s the time to do it.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

Left click on the link and find out your love language.  It’s easy and the results are sent to your email box.  It’s free.

You need to know…because everybody’s different.

The Misunderstood Male [from the Wise County Christian Counseling Website]

Take this simple true or false quiz to see how savvy you are about men.  Questions and answers are based upon gender research and developmental studies.  Answer true or false.

__1.     Men understand women better than women understand men.

__2.     Women talk more than men.

__3.     Men need more touching than women.

__4.     Men hate to talk.

__5.     Men aren’t as in touch with their feelings as women.

__6.     Relationships aren’t as important to men as they are to women.

__7.     Work is the most important thing in a man’s life.

__8.     Men think about sex more than women do.

__9.     Men are more aggressive than women.

__10.   A man’s greatest vulnerability is money.

__11.   You connect to a man the same way you connect to a woman.

__12.   A man’s favorite words are “Honey, we need to talk.”

Just what you need, another “test”.  Tomorrow I will share the answers.  The quiz is simple and as I considered posting it, I was really interested in statement 3.  What do you really think?

As an interpersonal communication teacher, a common complaint I hear associated with physical touch is the woman who says “I don’t touch my husband because when I do, he thinks I want to get intimate.  Sometimes I just want him to hug me or hold my hand.”

Hence, what happens.

No touching whatsoever.

Here is where I bring in the old adage that “women are crock pots; men are microwaves.”  You know what I mean.  The male response to touch may be driven by testosterone and that can lead to overreaction.

Can we have a compromise?

Can men learn that touch does not always lead to intimacy?  I think so if men work at it.

Can women learn that men are capable of a warm, soothing response to touch and lose the fear of touching a male?  I think so.

Over the years, several authors have exploited the problem of male and female misunderstanding.  John Gray gave us Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus.  Deborah Tannen gave us You Just Don’t Understand.  Both books explain that men and women are very different and the differences play out in everyday life.

1. Women will talk to build relationships; men will not.  The talk has to have some purpose and building relationships is not high on a man’s list.
2. Women will talk longer than men to establish rapport.  That is a valuable goal.  Men will talk less and rapport building is not high on a man’s list.
3. Men are listeners to solve problems.  Women are listeners to allow the person with a problem to solve their own problem.  Male fixing is a turnoff for many women.  All they want to do is express their troubles. They don’t want someone to run in and fix their problem.
4. When men have problems they tend to withdraw.  Women like to explore their feeling through talk and when they speak to others, they can release some of their stress.
5. Women tend to touch for support and sometimes intimacy.  Men tend to touch for intimacy and sometimes support.

I know God made man and God made woman.  As they say in France “vive le difference”; we would not want man and woman to be the same.

However as one who wishes there was a little more peace and understanding in the world, can’t we just try to understand each other…a little better?

In Luke 8: 43-44  we encounter a story of an unnamed woman who finds a way to touch the hem of Jesus’ garment as He was walking through the crowd.

This woman had been bleeding for twelve years and no one had been able to heal her.   When she touched Jesus’ garment, the bleeding stopped.

Jesus knew it.  He felt power leave His body and He asked “Who touched me?”

What is the significance of this small touch other than the miracle of healing the woman so quickly?

First of all, according to the  Christianity Today Website, January 2010,  a woman menstruating in the Jewish community was in violation of purity laws found in the Torah.  Anything that she touched was considered unclean.  Since she was irregular in her condition, she was considered a permanent outcast.  The CT Website even has a word for her; she was a zabah which means she had to make offerings to the priest because she was considered sinful due to her unclean discharge.  Since her condition was constant, she was kept from participating in any religious service or activity.  She lived the life of an outcast.

Secondly, her husband could not touch her due to the uncleanness of her body and she would be infertile anyway.  During a 12 year ovulation she would have been incapable of pregnancy.  Added to these problems would be anemia.  Her society had an iron poor diet anyhow.  She was probably tired all the time and had little stamina.  She probably had general poor health.

Her real desperation was due to her inability to have children.  The CT Website describes her attitude:  “To be infertile in a culture where motherhood was the supreme female virtue hung a cloud not only over her current life, but also over her future prospects. In such societies, one’s security in old age came from one’s family. To be childless was to confront, on a daily basis, the likelihood of a very grim and lonely future.”

After the touch occurred, the woman realized that she would not be able to escape the crowd unnoticed so she came forward.  She is described as “trembling” and she falls at Jesus’ feet.

Many pastors have preached on this story and there may be very good reasons.

What the woman does is almost incidental.  She just touches the hem of Jesus’ garment.  It probably took one second and in many cases Jesus would have gone right on walking.  But He stopped.  Her small gesture got some attention.  Her belief that the touch would help was all she needed to get help.  Jesus honored her belief and she was healed and Jesus acknowledged that:  “Your faith has healed you.  Go in peace.”

Jesus proves that He is approachable.  He is not angry or irritated with the woman.  There is every indication that He is glad that she has done this.  Her touch is an indication that she believes and maybe Jesus wants all of us to know that He is approachable.  Have you ever had what I call a “silly prayer?”  I am not sure that silly prayers exist.  God takes them all seriously.

Jesus exhibits a compassionate nature toward the poor.  Some of the people who are poor are people who have the greatest needs and some of them have the greatest faith.  Jesus has great love for the poor and He wants all of to exhibit that love.

Jesus sometimes allows circumstances to enter our lives that reduce us to desperation so that we will reach out for Him.  I have found that to be true in my life.  An overused expression is “Everyone reaches out to God when the bombs are falling all around and you are deep in a foxhole.”  Those times are the only times that some people get serious about their relationship with God.  Would it be easier and less stressful to come to God in other circumstances?  Of course it would.  But desperation is what it takes for many of us and God know that.

As we have thought about physical touch this week as a way to communicate love, maybe we have considered “big touches” like hugs,  pats on the back,  hand- shakes or even kisses in greeting.

But look what an unnamed woman did with a little touch.

What can you do with your touch?

What can God do for you with His touch?

A special touch in the Word of God is Jesus washing the feet of the Disciples.

We have trouble relating to this story [John 13] because we live in a different time and in a different context than the days of Jesus.

We have to imagine lower standards of cleanliness, we have to imagine dusty Palestinian roads, and we have to imagine every person in Jesus’ day shod in sandals.

We also have to imagine Middle Eastern hospitality.  That part of the world is well-known for the courtesy extended to visitors; food, drink, water for cleaning, yes even water for washing the feet.  Even Jesus says in John 13: 10 in response to Simon Peter “A person needs only to wash his feet; his whole body is clean.”

Nevertheless foot washing by another was considered the lowliest task that was ever done and it was probably done by a Hebrew slave in Jesus’ day.

Today we don’t have examples of touch that are comparable.  Occupational touch would be the closest to this, and that type of touch is something that we usually pay for—a haircut, a message, or a dental cleaning.

Certainly we don’t have anything comparable that we would offer to a guest who comes into our home.

Today a foot washing element as part of a worship service is very meaningful and let’s take a few moments to explore the meaning.  What was Jesus telling his Disciples and us as readers of the Bible as he performed this task?

What does this special physical touch mean?

Many see it as a symbolic act of the death of Christ that was to soon follow.  The cleansing of the feet is a preparation for the death of Christ.  The Disciples had to be cleaned in order to take up their role after Jesus was gone.  That would make the foot washing a type of baptism.

Others see the foot washing as a selfless act of service.  Jesus was doing the work of a slave with little consideration of his own status.  He wanted to inspire the Disciples to have that same attitude toward serving others.  Indeed Simon Peter had a problem with Jesus washing his feet, but Jesus prevailed and we presume that Simon Peter got the message.

My favorite view of the story is that Jesus was performing a humble, loving task.  I have always preferred to think that Jesus was trying to communicate that he loved his Disciples and performing this lowly task was a powerful way to communicate that.   Jesus was about to lay down his life for all of us and he wanted the Disciples to know how much he cared for them and all of us.

Let’s consider foot washing today.  Some people wear sandals in the summer but many never do.  We enclose our feet in leather or some other material and this causes sweating and even damage to the feet.   Many of us try to cram too much foot in a too small shoe.  The effects can be very disastrous.

What if it was required that you washed the feet of your house guests?  Could you handle the task?

Could you humble yourself?

I am going to reference the “Got Questions.org” website* because this site expresses what I get from this example of physical touch so well:

“When Jesus washed the disciples’ feet, He told them (and us), ‘I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to you’ (John 13:15).   As His followers, we are to emulate Him, serving one another in lowliness of heart and mind, seeking to build one another up in humility and love. When we seek the preeminence, we displease the Lord who promised that true greatness in His kingdom is attained by those with a servant’s heart (Mark 9:35; 10:44).   When we have that servant’s heart, the Lord promised, we will be greatly blessed (John 13:17).

“Got Questions.org” is a popular Bible question website.

Let’s say you have opportunities to make physical contact with others in your life.

You understand the boundaries of physical touch.  Here they are:

1.You know some people don’t want to be touched.  They shy away from tactile contact with others.

2.Touch between people who don’t know each other is a problem if the touch is deemed inappropriate [part of the body touched and the length of touch].

3.Touch should be gentle [for example, too much pressure is perceived as a negative].

4.Touch can be perceived as a positive or a negative depending on the presence of other people and the physical context.

With all these factors in mind, let’s look at the many benefits of physical touch.

1.We are social beings.  Generally humans want some connection with other human beings.  Part of that connection is touch.  Touch can range from ritual touch like a handshake to a pat on the back or even a hug, but many of us like touch.  Failure to thrive findings among newborns support this idea.  Babies who are deprived of touch have literally “wasted away” due to lack of touch.

2.Anxiety is something that many of us suffer from.  Have you ever had a horrible day and you don’t feel normal, maybe you are not feeling safe?  Adults benefit from a hug from time to time as this touch calms us down.

3.Bonding with the ones we love is important.  Too often we get so busy with everyday life that we forget that we need to stop and hold our loved one’s hand.  We need to put our arm around that special someone as you watch tv together.  Letting this bonding activity go dormant can hurt our relationships; this contact needs to be maintained on a regular basis.

4.Touch lowers your blood pressure.  Studies have been done that prove that people who are touched on a regular basis have lower blood pressure than people who never get touched.  Touch can slow the heart rate.  Touch can even speed the healing process after injury or surgery.

5.Touch can improve your outlook on life.  It is much harder to maintain a pessimistic outlook on life if you feel connected to others.  Touch can communicate positive feeling, trust and love.  If the circumstances are right, there’s not much negative in touching ones you care about.

6.Scientists are just now finding out that the soft skill of human touch helps brain development and emotional development.  For many years, medical practitioners have focused on medication as the cure-all and now human touch is getting the attention it deserves.  Our brain benefits from the pleasure of a deep tissue massage.  Our emotions benefit from the soothing warmth of a safe and loving hug.

Yet people don’t touch enough.

The short answer:  they have forgotten that they can channel God’s love through their touch.

Dr. Chapman has written a wonderful book and I don’t quote it often but I am going to quote it today as he drives home the important role of touch in the Christian’s life.

“ ‘Since the first century, thousands of men and women have claimed to have been touched by God.  They in turn, have touched others as representatives of Christ.  They work in hospitals, giving baths and wiping fevered brows.  You will find them in rescue missions, kneeling beside the homeless with an arm draped around the shoulder of a needy person.  They serve as  ‘greeters’ in their churches.  These are people who, with a smile, extend a hand and give an affirming  ‘pat on the back’ as people enter the house of worship.  They are channels of God’s love, speaking fluently the love language of physical touch.’ “

Several times on this blog we have discussed uncomfortable subjects.

Our first study by Pastor Kyle Idleman forced a lot of confrontation on us as he held a mirror up to us and asked why don’t you wake up, be honest and take action.  Many of us don’t want to wake up, we don’t want to be honest and for goodness sake, don’t ask us to take action.

Now we are in a study that tries to make the case that love languages exist and we have needs concerning love that need to be fulfilled.

And God can fulfill those needs.

This week’s subject is physical touch…

Oh Oh….here we go (into the uncomfortable zone)!

What does Dr. Chapman mean by physical touch?

Is it a real touch, one person to another?  Does he posit that God can touch us?

It is both.

It is a proven fact that many of us like to be touched and we like to touch others.   Some people don’t want to be touched and are not likely to touch others.

But can God touch me?  Can God touch you?

He has touched me.

Many times.  [I can hear some of you now; Carter is going off the deep end.]

One of my best friends listened to a confession and repentance I made about how I was going down the wrong road in life.  I rode around in a car for an hour with that man, pouring my heart out, crying (almost weeping, wailing and moaning) and my best friend talked to me about Jesus. His troubles were similar to mine and when I left him, I knew that I had released a lot of my burden.  I felt I was physically lighter.

Another of my best friends consoled me in a particularly hard time in my life and after listening to my woes and sharing some of his, he grabbed my arm and said he wanted to pray for me.  As he did, he called on Jesus for help for me and my whole right arm tingled like I was experiencing a mild shock.  The tingle did not come from him holding it too tightly.

In one of the lowest points in my life, I was walking the dog after receiving the worst news a man could receive.  I was lost.  I was confused.  I did not know where to turn.  But I kept praying, “show me what to do God.”  I said this over and over because I was numb with shock.  I had no relationship with God at that time but l was about to have one because a calm came over me and I heard a message.  That message did not come from the dog.  God clearly told me what to do and I felt strength come over me as I had a new Savior and a new direction.

I was asked by my aunt to help her in her last days, as her friend, confidant and executor of her estate.  I was overwhelmed at times by all the things she asked me to do but I prayed for God to help me.  He did.  The process was scary and daunting but God stepped in and helped my aunt and me both get through it.  She had many helping hands come to the rescue and when the process was over, the imprint of God was on the whole matter.   I can see that now.  Clearly.

Recently I have heard my pastor tell of standing at the graveside of her son and feeling weak and unsteady.  She has told that she felt a hand go around her to steady her.  She assumed it was her husband but when she opened her eyes it was not him, yet she felt the touch.  God’s touch.

Why do we not share such testimonies?

Because many, many people doubt our sincerity and maybe our sanity.

But this is real.

God is active in daily life for the believer and God does physically touch us.

Sometimes it is like Pastor Janet and it seems to be a physical touch from God. Sometimes it may be a touch from another person that is powerful and our body reacts.  Sometimes God’s touch results in an emotional outpouring and sometimes we can see God’s touch as He orchestrates complex situations for the best [His best is the best, not ours].

We may be in the uncomfortable zone talking about such matters.

We need comfort.  We need to admit it.

We all need the comfort that comes from the touch of God.

My dad was a very good man.

He passed away on Sept 7, 2011.

Dad was ninety-one years old.

Dad was not a “toucher”.

You see my Dad was a farmer at heart.  He wanted to grow crops and raise cattle and hogs.  He had real talent for farming.  He was a navy veteran of World War II.  He was an educator, teaching at Matoon School in Crittenden County and Salem School in Livingston County.  He was a basketball coach.  He was a Kentucky Wildcat fan.  He loved “them Cats”.

I used to chuckle when Dad talked about his Cats because he had a mental block on John Calipari’s name.   He pronounced it capillary, you know any of the fine branching blood vessels that form a network between the arterioles and venules.

That’s ok; I gave up trying to get him to say it right and I just smiled when he referred to the coach.

Dad was not a “toucher”.

We know that some people are not.

Without getting too technical, people who study “body language” will tell you that every person has an invisible distance around them that they call a “body bubble.”  Some of you might think I am making that up; I’m not.

Some folks have a very small body bubble and they are ok with other people getting in real close.  They can comfortably let others touch them and they will reach out and touch others in a comfortable manner.

Others like Dad have a very large body bubble.  The invisible distance around Dad was about three or four feet from his body and when you got inside that, he got tense.  He just did not like touch.

I recall toward the end of Dad’s life trying to show affection to him.  I would try to hug him but he always tensed up.  He could not accept the hug and hug back.

Even before his last days [when he was healthy] he could not shake hands with me in a comfortable manner.  It was always an awkward shake, stiff and forced.

Did he love me?

Yes he did.

He cared for me.  He tried to show me the way to act like a man.  He could not tell me what to do.  He tried to show me what to do.  He was a man of few words.

I disappointed him a bit, because I went the education route and did not develop skills that he deemed practical.  Animal care, agriculture, and woodworking were all things that he valued.  Sorry folks but I am not a big Cat fan, despite the fact that I hold my last degree from the University of Kentucky [gonna lose some blog readers now].  He just could not understand that.

I was a talker and Dad was not.

Until the last months of his life.

Here comes the regret.

I am a talker and yet when Dad poured out his anxieties and fears to me and anyone who would listen, I did not know how to handle it.

I just could not put the “genie back into the bottle”.

I wanted my strong, silent, man-of-action Dad back and he was gone.

In his final months I had a Dad who would talk a lot and as I reflect back on his last months, he really needed to do that.

All I had to do was listen.

And I failed him.

I lost patience many times when he rambled on.

I was in a quandary.  I did not know what to do with this new talkative person but I kept on hugging him.  I would bend over him and kiss him on the forehead when I left him.  I could see that he was cringing but I did it anyway.

Before I conclude, you might have pity on me.  Son faced with a father who was deteriorating right before his eyes, father unable to receive physical touch as a sign of love.  Father talking a “blue steak”; son unable to listen.

Sounds like poor communication doesn’t it?

It probably was, but it was what I did and it was what he did.

I longed for my father’s touch, a strong grip, a big bear hug…something to tell me that he was going to be ok and he was not going to leave me.  I wanted strong silent Dad back.

He could not give that touch to me and the words kept flowing.

And I could not muster the patience to listen to him.

But I have to admit, that Dad taught me a lesson in his dying months.

Sometimes you have to push your needs to the side and adapt to the needs of the person in front of you, the person you love.

You see I needed a strong Father’s touch, but all he could give me was an endless stream of words.

Dad changed.  I didn’t.  My earthly Father could not provide what I needed but my Heavenly Father could have.

As I think back on the last days of Dad’s life, what could have been so bad was not.  His passing was peaceful.  The setting was what he wanted.  As I think back on those days I know now that My Heavenly Father had His arms around  Dad and me all the time, telling us that it was going to be ok.  Showing us that it was going to be ok.

And it was…

I finally got My Father’s touch.

Chapter 6 is about touch or tactile communication as communication researchers refer to it.  Another term that is tossed around is the word “haptics”

Why does Dr. Chapman think this is a love language?

For one reason, it is the first sense that human beings experience, some would say in the womb.  Certainly care is communicated for an infant after birth through fondling, caressing, patting and stroking.

A child begins to explore his world though touch.

In the beginning stages of human relationships people touch a little, the intermediate states a great deal and the stable or deteriorating stages, you again touch less

For meaning of touch, communication research categorizes touch communication in five categories.  One category is positive emotions:  support, appreciation, inclusion, sexual interest etc.  A second is playfulness or a desire to play.  Touch can also communicate control.  Think about times we touch others to say “move over”, “hurry”, “stay here” or “do it.”  Rituals play into touch as we normally touch up on greeting or saying hello.  Finally task-related touching includes a nurse touching your forehead for fever detection, a barber cutting your hair or a dental hygienist cleaning your teeth.

Before we go too far with touch, we have to be aware that some people do not like touch.  Some people experience a lot of anxiety or fear about communication by touch and some feel irritation about touch as people who like touch may force touch on folks who dislike it.

This week we will be exploring the love language of touch and we will see it is not all about physical touch.

For God to touch us, it is not often a “physical” touch but the touch is very real for people nevertheless.

Right up front, I have to admit that touch is my highest score regarding love language.

It will be fun exploring this topic and Chapter 6 all week.

Touch, a preferred method of communicating love and caring for some people.

A preferred method of receiving love and caring for some people.

Is touch something God uses to communicate to todays man and woman?

We’ll see.

This week.

Love language # 5, physical touch.

“Pay it forward.”

“Random acts of kindness.”

Expressions which describe helping others.

Chapter 5 of God Speaks Your Love Language  is about acting in service to others.

You have to know, you will be swimming against the stream on this one.  Today we have many, many people who have much more than they need and they are keeping it all.  They don’t want to share either their money or their time to help others.

What can change this selfish society?

You have to take action yourself.

I am not going to give you the details.  That would defeat the purpose.  I find that my life as a believer is extremely interesting. You know acts of service is not a high score on my profile and that’s ok.  We can’t score high on every love language.

Here’s the story.

I was mowing my 1 acre front yard the other day when a man and a woman were walking down the street.  I knew them and I stopped the lawnmower to say hello.  They are not usual walkers.  I exchanged pleasantries for a few minutes and I said to the couple in parting “let me know if there is anything you need for me to do.”  The husband has a challenging health condition.

Nine times out of ten the other person will say “thanks, but we are doing ok.”

Not today.

I am writing this week about Acts of Service.  I should know that God will give me a job to do.

Here it comes.

The woman asked me to help her with her house.  I knew what to do and it was not an all day job.  I have done work like this before, so I said “sure, I can do that.  You don’t have to worry.  I will take care of that problem.”

They walked on and I got back on the lawnmower.

I stated thanking about this exchange.

I wondered why God gave me another job to do on such a busy week.  I am on jury duty, I have to teach a class at church and I have 5 or 6 projects going on at my house.  Yet God gives me another job to do.

Big difference?

This was an act of service.

What was He trying to teach me?

I could not get to it the next day or two but I finally saw a time when I could do it.  I acted.  It took a couple of hours and I had to do something that some people cannot do very well.  I had to get up high on a ladder and many people my age are afraid to do that.   I have little fear of heights and I don’t weigh that much so it was no problem.  The job turned out looking good and I was pleased.

It felt good.

What really made it feel good is that the person requesting the service did not know I did it.  Maybe she will see it one day; maybe not.

It doesn’t matter.

I just helped this person.

How to change a selfish society?

Look around.  Listen to the situations of others.  Offer help.  Be ready to act if you are asked to help.

People need help.

God will send you someone who needs you.

When He gives you a job to do, just do it.

You will be glad you did.

I am.