St. John Studies

Years ago when I was right in the middle of my career, I read a book called Finding God on the A Train.  I borrow the phrase in the title from the author Rick Hamlin.

The book is about one man’s effort to find quality time in his life to pray and learn about God.

I clearly remember feeling rushed all the time when I was a full-time worker, trying to manage my time the best that I could.  It was hard just like it is hard for some of you right now.  I even read books on time management and took a time management seminar or two.

I never felt I could manage my time.

What was the problem?

Interruptions, the interruptions of daily living.

Things would be whizzing along and then the phone rings.  There is a crisis at home that needs attention, a fellow teacher needs a favor and on and on.

The flow was never that long.  Stuff was always left undone at the end of the day.

Rick Hamlin lived in New York when he wrote his book.   He had his share of interruptions but he loved God and prayed that God would show him a time when he could have quality time in pray, meditation and study.

God did: from the 181^st Street Station to the 125^th Street Station on the A Train Subway.

He was ashamed that the time was so little but it was God’s time, not his.  He knew he could use the time for getting to know God better.

He was obedient.  He closed his eyes and prayed his prayers.  He rid his mind of competing thoughts.  He pulled out his Bible or some other “God book “ [his wife’s term for Christian living literature].   He did this every day.

On the subway.

Hamlin describes his early morning time with God: “This early-morning time of prayer feels like the most important.  Without it, my day would fall apart and I would forget whose I am and what I want to do and what I believe.  It’s the time without which I would exist only for myself, without which I would be consumed by petty demands on my time and petty distractions of my ego.”

Hamlin feels like all of us.  He had many hats to put on his head throughout the day: “friend, singer, son, do-gooder, student, worshiper, committee member, faithful correspondent, telephone talker, writer, editor, husband, father.”

One day he just prayed to God, “show me when I can be with you Lord.”

God did.

On the A Train.

Can you pray that prayer?  “God, show me when I can be with your Lord.”

He will show you.

He will provide the time because the Holy Spirit is the lord of our time.

Will you act?

After God shows you when you can be with Him, will you pray?  Will you study his Word?  Will you obey your Lord?

Will you have quality time with Him?  He wants quality time with you.

Egbert, N and Polk, D. (2006).  Speaking the language of relational maintenance. A validity test of Chapman’s five love languages. Communication Research Report, 23, 19-26.

You might be asking now, what is this?

Some of you know that I have a Ph.D. in interpersonal communications from the University of Kentucky.  I don’t make too much out of it; I loved school, I became a professional student and I went to school as far as I could.  It is something that happened in my life.

Underlying my choice of God Speaks Your Love Language for the second book to study for St. John Studies was the fact that I was with Dr. Chapman in Paducah, Kentucky as he conducted a day-long marriage enrichment seminar.  Secondly, this topic is kinda comfortable for me.

I teach an online interpersonal communications class for the local community college and we are in a new edition of the textbook this semester.  I was very pleasantly surprised when I started studying the new last chapter of the semester and I found several pages in the chapter on close relationships devoted to Dr. Chapman’s love languages.  The citation I started this blog post with is validation that Dr. Chapman’s love languages are real.  They are not just some mushy romantic notions that sound ok.  “Research offers support for these categories [words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service and physical touch].”

As we continue throughout his book for our study, Chapman’s main point is that God knows your love language and can communicate to you through your preferred love language but on a human level.  Adler and Proctor state the most common problem is “Partners understandably but mistakenly can assume that the love language they prefer is also the one that their mate will appreciate.  For example, if your primary love language is gifts, then you will probably expect presents from loved ones on special occasions—and perhaps even on ordinary ones.  You’re also likely to give gifts regularly and assume they’ll be received appreciatively.” Adler. R and Proctor R.  Looking Out:  Looking In.  2014.

Assumption that your partner speaks the same love language as you can be a real “setup for disappointment”.

Adler and Proctor go on to say that the primary source of teaching for love languages is the family.  This type of communication habit is imprinted in us from a very young age.

The good news is that the habit of using a particular love language can be altered by your romantic partner, through the act of sharing their needs.  Human beings can learn to communicate love in different ways with a little information and a little work.

We have to admit that we all have a need to hear the love language that we prefer and that need is based on a deep emotional desire we have.  People tend to be very critical of their loved ones in that area where we have that desire.  What we are really doing is pleading for love.  However if we don’t make an effort to understand our loved one, we may as well be speaking Russian to them in the areas of love languages.

All people in close relationships go through the “falling in love” stage of relationship—the euphoria time where your partner can do no wrong, has no flaws and everything in the relationship is possible.  After the euphoria wears off is the part of the relationship where choice come into play.  Do we choose to love our partner for who they are and love them the way they need to be loved?  Do we try to learn their love language?

God Speaks Your Love Language:  I don’t know about you but I have my share of flaws.  I have some love languages that work for me and others that don’t, and I make a ton of mistakes in life.

God loves me anyway.  I’m not a skeptic.  He knows my love language.

People who need quality time to talk to God and people who can give quality time to others and want it in return still have periods of time when they can’t have the quality time they desire.

I have a high score on quality time but I have had a few experiences where I could not have this special communion with God.

You know the times; times of mental uproar.

I have had a few over the years.

My usual morning is when I find a quiet place to be with my coffee.  My son is 30 years old now and he has his own family in Chicago.  My wife loves to sleep later than I do.  So I am in the quiet house.  Me and God.

Yet this quality time with God is sometimes not right because I am in the middle of a conflict with someone, several loose ends of life are hanging and I can’t tie them up, I have done something I am ashamed of, I am nervous about some upcoming event or someone has sent me a message that was disconfirming and my fragile ego is bruised.  You get the point [and my list of mental upsets could continue going on and on].

I can’t settle my mind.

My prayer time is unfocused.

My prayer is what my wife calls “chasing rabbits.”  You know what I mean.  Just like a beagle let loose in a large overgrown field, I see the rabbit and I chase it for a while and then another one pops up and I chase it for a while etc.

I need a dose of Ritalin; I have a hyperactive mind.

One morning I was suffering from this but something unusual happened.  I remember the morning, where I was in the house, and the very unusual time of day.  It was 2:00 a.m. and I was very upset.  I had awakened and the bad thoughts of the morning popped into my mind and I could not go back to sleep.  After tossing and turning for about 40 minutes I just gave up and got up and started my day super early.

I got the coffee hot and headed to an easy chair but I was not sleepy.  I was wide awake and I had a very unsettled pattern of thought.

I found myself trying to pray but I could not get my prayer to be “strong.”  I had fragments, I had crazy thoughts, I had inappropriate thoughts, and I had a mess going on in my head.

Then I heard it.

“Be still and know that I am God.”

I knew what it meant.

And it happened.

My mind quit racing.  The competing thoughts stopped.  My body relaxed.  God had given me the reprieve from my anguish, a reprieve that I sorely needed.

It was amazing.

Since that morning, I have had a few more times when I felt His presence so I have studied the reference which is Psalms 46:10. The context is the writer of the Psalm is seeking God in times of trouble.  There is fighting and for the people to see God, the fighting must cease.  When we trust God and His plan, the warring will stop and God will manifest Himself.

In the context of my life, the mental warring did stop.  I knew my little problems were being handled by a God that could take care of all that I was concerned about.  In short, God was telling me “I got this.”

In Chapter 3, Dr. Chapman tells us of Greta, God, Jesus, Mary and George Meuller, trying to convince us that quality time is valuable in our fast-paced world by providing examples.   Still, to have quality time, one has to give God [or another person] undivided attention and that is very hard today.

Let me tell you, it is worth it if you can do it.

Two a.m. from God to Dave “I got this.”  I went back to bed.  I went back to sleep.

The past three days I have written about different aspects of quality time.  The first day on Chapter 3, we discussed how quality time is not for everybody.  The second day we discussed how people who like quality time may not understand others or appreciate others who need to hear different love languages.  Yesterday the focus was on how a quality time person can appreciate a touch love language person.

Today let’s try to understand the fact that God desires to spend quality time with His creatures.  Dr. Chapman says “that this is one of the unique aspects of the Christian faith.”

The Bible is full of verses that encourage spending time with God. “But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.”   [Matthew 6:6]  “All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness.” [2 Timothy 3:16]  “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.  He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.  You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you.  Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. [John 15: 1-5]

In short, pray, study and be connected, as branches are to the vine.  With that connection, we can do things that glorify God.

Skeptics may point to places in the Old Testament when God seemed distant, judgmental and punitive.  Maybe he was all of those things but God was still seeking a way to be with man.  Man just could not respond to God’s urgings.  Man could not understand the approach that God was taking.

I was watching the NBC series “AD” the other night.  It is what I would call a good production.  I am neither a Bible scholar or a film critic, but the acting was good, the visual display was high quality and it seemed to be true to the Bible [as true as any television show can be].

Of course, one of the most dramatic scenes was the death of Jesus.  At Jesus’ death, the earth shook and the temple veil was torn.  The high priests tried to overlook the significance of all this because they were trying to maintain their power over Jerusalem.  But the tearing of the veil is God’s decreasing the distance between God and man.

Before the death of Jesus, the inner part of the temple could only be entered by the high priest; regular folks could only use the outer part of the temple.  Through the death of Jesus, the barrier between man and God is breached.  Jesus gave His life so we could be connected with God.  The veil was a constant reminder that our sin made us unfit to be in the presence of God.  The high priest had to sacrifice animals to atone for our sins.  Jesus came to establish that connection, that quality time that some desire with God.

Indeed this was the theme of another experience I had with St. John last year.  We read the Bible all the way through as a church [narrative version called The Story].  I always think it is of great benefit to have an overarching idea to provide some structure, especially for such an imposing book like the Bible.  A sense of structure helps one to read and understand.  The Story provided that for me.  From the walks in the Garden of Eden that God took with Adam and Eve to the tree of life showing up again in Revelation 22: 1-5, I saw for the first time that the whole Bible is God desiring to be with his creatures—man.

You can truly see the significance of Michelangelo painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel; with God reaching out his hand, reaching out to connect to man.

As we read about Rod in Chapter 3, I wonder how many of us wonder about his experience when he joins the church.

Going to the alter.  Being surrounded by men praying for him. The prayer being described as “I have never heard anything like it before”.  Weeping uncontrollably.  Asking God to forgive him.  God touching him.  Electricity running through his body.  Feeling totally clean.

Wow, that is dramatic.

Does that sound like what happened to you when you decided to follow Jesus?

Later in the chapter, Rod continues worshipping in church:  singing praise songs loudly and lifting his hands to God.  Often he has tears running down his cheeks.  He describes worship as a regular experience of feeling the presence of God.

Does that sound like how you go to church?

I was conversing with someone last week who was talking about visiting her son’s church.  She was having problems finding the right words to describe her son’s worship experience.  She said her son’s church had loud music, guitars, drums, loud singing and dancing from time to time.  Lots of amens and praises to God!

Then she stopped and said:  “That’s just not me.”

I tried to explain that her son’s church has a “worship style” that is appealing to certain types of people…maybe not the people of chapter 3—people who desire quality time with others and God.

Rod is a physical touch love language person and many worship services are geared toward people like Rod.   These churches focus on very beautiful worship centers, exciting and dramatic preachers, thrilling music with lots of rhythm and a hypnotic, repeated message–music designed to elicit an emotional response.  Often there is lighting in the sanctuary to enhance the mood and worship is often punctuated with shouts of praise and testimonials [maybe even some speaking in tongues].

Do you know what?

Some people need this to feel close to the Lord.

What does Greta need?

Quiet prayer for one.  She describes her “come to Jesus” moment as “months of contemplation, prayer and reading the Scriptures”.  She finally found her way to the church nine months after Rod’s conversion by reading Revelation 3:20, that famous passage of Jesus saying “Here I am!  I stand at the door and knock.  If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him and he with me.”  That was her special moment and it had nothing to do with praise music, exciting preachers, dramatic lighting and group prayer.

It was Greta all alone, praying it out, meditating it out, reading it out and thinking it out.  I am reminded of the “greatest commandment” in Matthew 22:36-38:  “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?  [a Pharisee trying to test Jesus] Jesus replied:  ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.’ ”

Greta is taking the mind part of that greatest commandment seriously.

She is using her mind to find Jesus.

God knows us.

I am convinced that He knows us completely.  He knows our strengths and weaknesses. He knows my past, my present acts and he knows my future.  He knows all my thoughts and my habits, even the very hairs on my head are numbered [Luke 12:7].

God also knows how to communicate with us.

That is why focusing on Rod and Greta is so important.

They are the most important idea that Dr. Chapman is expressing, some would say the thesis of his discussion.

You are unique.  I am unique.  God loves us.  God will find a way to communicate with all His unique people…using a love language that each of us needs.

I was struck by the sentence Dr. Chapman quoted from Greta from Chapter 3:  “But now we are giving each other freedom to express our love to God differently.”  She was referring to her need for quality time with God and her husband’s need for public praise and worship.

This simple sentence is a key to happy relationships and it is so simple that it is often overlooked and underrated.

It’s about tolerance, especially for those we most care most about.

Yesterday’s post revealed that I scored high on quality time.  It fits my personality and my desires for life.   I have always liked learning.  I would rather learn something from a book or class than do just about anything.  For me to learn, I need to go off and find a quiet place to think, to read and to write.  I can’t concentrate in the distracting world that is life for many people. I cannot read with TV on.  I cannot read with music on.  I have to have quiet.  I have to be still.

This leads to intolerance.

Why don’t others want to go to a quiet place, pick up a book and learn?

Because that is just not them.

I feel like I can grow in my relationship with God with some quiet prayer time and meditation and when I get quiet and still and read my Bible, I can really learn things that make my life better.

Notice all that “I” language?

What works for me may not work for another.

I get irritated from time to time when other Christians don’t seem to have a hunger for learning, growing or even reading God’s word.  They never even consider attending a Sunday School class or a Bible Study.  They would rather do other things.

Then I think about my intolerance and my passing judgment on others.  I know I am wrong.

Some people are just not made to do quality time with God.

Here are some tips for having quality time with God if you want to try to do it.

1.Think about the best time for you to be with God.  Are you a morning person?  Are you a late night person?  When do you feel most alert every day?  I am a morning person so that is my best time.  Devote your most alert time of the day to quality time.  Set the time aside and be regular.  Don’t be rigid but work hard to get your quality time into your daily routine.

2.If you are like me, find the quiet place where you need to go.  If you can read, pray and think in a noisy environment, that’s ok,  but if you need quiet, find that quiet place.

3.Fix the environment in your quiet place with few distractions.  If you want to read your Bible, have your Bible and that is all.  Leave the phone somewhere else; put the laptop in another part of the house.  Don’t surround yourself with things to play with, tech or otherwise.

4.Get quiet and talk to God.  If you know you are going to read your Bible, before you begin reading, say a prayer asking God to speak to you personally as you open His word.  Ask Him to sharpen your powers of observation so you can see what the text is saying.  Ask Him for wisdom as you try to interpret what the text means.  Ask Him for help in dealing with issues you have that are contrary to His will.

5.Pull out your Bible and read.  Just reading without a plan is probably not best but there are lots of Bible reading plans on the internet.  Just google “Bible reading plans.”  Some people like to skip around using a devotion as their guide.  You need some guidance from something.  Just trying to read God’s word by dipping in randomly is probably not best.  Currently, I am reading a devotion by John Stott entitled Through the Bible, Through the Year.  Stott is so insightful and every time I read his book, I get deeper information about God’s word.  It really helps me.

6.Wrap up your quality time with a period of quietness.  You may want to thank God for the time and the opportunity to think, learn and grow.

What if talk about this quality time with God sets you on edge?  What if you know you can’t do this.  It is not you.

Don’t worry.

God may be able to speak to you through another type of love language.

He is not going to condemn you because you are not a quality time person.

But, isn’t prayer, meditation and Bible reading what we should all be doing?  It sounds so right…

Maybe so but this quality time stuff might not be easy for everyone.

Some people struggle to do it.

[Is this me being tolerant?]…yep.

Ok, my second highest score on my Love Languages Profile is quality time.  I scored a 9 for this language.  Thirty percent of my points on my profile are for quality time.

I appreciate quality time but I am old.

I appreciate quality time but I am slow.

I appreciate quality time but I like to think [sometimes I overthink things].

Newsflash, we live in hurried world.  We have so many distractions and life moves so fast.  I hate this but I am going to make broad cultural judgments.  [The reason I hate it is because broad cultural judgements do no one any good].

Family time is now at a premium.  We work so hard and often don’t leave work at work.  Thanks to our various technical devices, we can stay connected to work 24/7.

It takes more money to support our lifestyles which in turn makes us spend more time working to make more money.

Even when we are home, we work like we are at work.  We rush through chores, often thinking about the next chore before the one we are on is done.  We don’t enjoy what we are doing.  We don’t know how to go slow.

We have tv on.  We are on our computer, I Pad, etc.  We are never alone with people.  We always have a connection to someone who is not present.  This makes our “presentness” problematic.  Maybe we can be present but if we are communicating with someone else “not present” we are distracted and not communicating well with the person right in front of us [the person present].

We don’t eat together anymore.  I know people who have not had a family meal in years.  It takes time to prepare a meal, eat it and clean up.  It takes time that people don’t have.

We don’t explore our environment.  We don’t take time to appreciate our home; we don’t take time to explore our communities.  Just yesterday, my wife and I went out to find some Amish stores and we found some.  I was ashamed to admit that I did not know where one was.  No time spent exploring our environment and I’m retired!

People can’t sit still, people hate being alone, people have horribly short attention spans.

Can anyone do quality time?

Read how a Love Language Profile describes the person who likes “quality time:” “In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.”

This is oriented toward people you share your life with, but Dr. Chapman wants us also to spend “quality time” with God.

Is it possible today?

Do you really have time for quality time?

This is our topic for the week.  Beware, it may take some time….

As we leave Chapter Two, the first chapter that focuses on one of the five love languages, I believe it is very fitting to write about the most important words of affirmation that we will ever speak, the affirming words we speak to God.

Do you want to improve your relationship with another, a family member, a spouse, a friend?

Would you like to foster understanding between yourself and another through the expression of a love language that they need to hear, maybe even open another person up to the idea that they can fulfill some of your love language needs?

Maybe, we need to pray about this first.

Talking to God is not easy.

I have heard countless Christians say “I don’t know how to pray.”  Yet God needs to hear from all of us and Dr. Chapman knows that.

Let’s be honest.  If a person is talkative, he or she is going to have an easier time praying.  If a person has a creative mind, he or she is going to have an easier time praying.  Maybe if a person thinks more spiritual thoughts in a day’s time, it is easier to pray.

It does not matter.

God still wants to hear from all of us.

Dr. Chapman includes information about Martin Luther, King David and a guy named Jason at the end of Chapter Two.  Wonder why?  He wants us to know that affirming God is important for us to do.

I am going to be honest; I think that affirming God is very important but I have an up and down prayer life.  Maybe you do too.  I am an early morning prayer person.  Prayer flows from me when the coffee flows in.  As I wake up, I begin to feel better and that is when I have my best prayer time.   This is not to say that I don’t pray at various times throughout the day, I often do.  However my most focused prayers of the day are early morning.  That’s not the ideal time for many.  It is easy for me.

Still, there are days when I do not have satisfying prayers.  Praising God probably should be uppermost on my prayer list because He has blessed me so much in my life.  Intercession for others who are facing challenges probably should be uppermost on my prayer list but I sometimes do not feel the urge to pray for others.

I am being honest.  I pray about myself too much I think.

I am not proud of it; it just happens.

It is selfishness.

A couple of posts back [the one entitled “Being Other-Centered”] I wrote about how being selfish will impede the use of love language.  You won’t feel compelled to give a response another person needs if you are all wrapped up in yourself.

Maybe it is the same with God.  Prayer would be better if it is less about me a more about God and the needs of others.

As we consider love languages that we need and love languages we can express, let’s pray.

Let us pray God that You will show us what to do to find a new way of relating to others.  Let us pray God that You will use us to bring some positive expression in others’ lives.  Help us to understand that not receiving a love language we need is not the end of the world; that life is not about getting what we want all of the time.  Help us to understand that expressing love to another is not about manipulation but about giving and not counting the cost.  It is about giving and not keeping track of the debt.  It is about taking the time to make another person feel better, one of Your children God.  I know that  You can change me God.  In fact, if You change me, the change will be real.  I offer myself to You.  Use my language to fulfill the needs of others.  All praise and glory to You Lord.  Your will be done.

I have been hanging out with Christian folks for many years and I have many, many friends and relatives who are Christian.

However all my friends and relatives are not “like-minded”.

Some are obsessed with the idea that we are in the last days.

That’s ok.

But it is just not me.

As we consider God speaking your love language, Dr. Chapman is preaching a very positive message.  It does not sound like this Christian is worried about the last days.

My negative Christian friends and relatives are saying that God is going to destroy the world economy, the common tender we use to buy and sell will be valueless and all of us are going to be reduced to people who are killing others for a canned ham.   It is time to buy gold, liquidate all assets, purchase meals ready-to-eat and stock up on weapons and lots of ammo.

Sorry, that’s extreme.

But I have friends and relatives who seem to have that attitude.

This brings me to my point, why try?

Why be concerned about giving or receiving words of affirmation when your true concern should be what can I do to make sure I am able to survive when the end times come?

I admit it.  I tend to fall into the category of optimistic Christian.

I am not naïve.  I know society shows signs of breaking down [I do watch “the news”].  I know that our economy and the world economy are linked and one domino falling in Greece can cause ripples in America.  Terrorists do exist and can wreak havoc and some extreme religious groups are out to kill Christians.

These are scary times we live in.

However, I just don’t believe my negative friends and relatives have all the answers.   God’s plan is a mystery.

Romans 11: 33-34 “The depth and the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!  How unsearchable His judgments and his paths beyond tracing out!  Who has known the mind of the Lord?”    Solomon says in Ecclesiastes 9: 1  “So I reflected on all this and concluded that the righteous and the wise and what they do are in God’s hand, but no man knows whether love or hate awaits him.”

Now we don’t have a clear vision of what God has in store for us. “Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror.” [I Corinthians 13].

Dr. Chapman cites words of encouragement from God like “I will strengthen you and help you”,  “I have plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” and  “I will turn your mourning into gladness; I will give you comfort and joy instead of sorrow.”

What are my negative Christian friends and relatives doing with words like those?

Truly that old cliché “what do you see when you look at a glass of water that is half full of water” comes into play.  Some people truly see it as half empty.  Others see it as half full.

I am the half-full type of Christian.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t tell my negative friends and relatives that they are wrong.  I respect them.  I love them and it is not my job to judge and change them.  I do get very quiet when they go on a negative rant and give head nods to what they are saying.  The head nods are not the real me.  To be honest, I should be shaking my head side to side in a negative fashion because that is what I am really thinking.  I guess I am hypocritical.

You see I believe God has it all in His hands.  He wants me to make the effort.  He wants me to try to learn the language of love.  He wants me to see a person who has needs and He wants me to learn to affirm them.  He wants me to see that He loves me and I believe he loves you too.

I can’t tell my negative Christian friends and relatives all this though because they are worried that the whole geo-political climate is being destroyed.  In my mind, they are struggling to mentally grasp the ungraspable.

I leave all that to God.

When I have a friend who is struggling with his bad health, I want to tell him that he will feel better.  I believe that God has good things in store for him.  When I have a friend who struggles financially, I want to help him and tell him that the future will be better because God says it will and he needs to have hope.   When I have  friends who are in a bad marriage and seem lost, I want to tell them that there is a way to fix the mess and God can work through them in that marriage and things can get better.  God hates divorce.

I know it sounds like Pollyanna.

For every verse I have cited, my negative friends and relatives can cite many more  that are negative, stronger and more ominous.

That’s ok.

For me I choose to “live by faith, not by sight” and my faith leads me to do what I can to make the world a better place.

My faith leads me to try.

In Chapter Two of “God Speaks Your Love Language”, Dr. Chapman writes about words of affirmation.

We all get his point that God’s words in the Bible are affirming.

In addition, some of us use words of affirmation as our love language gift to others.

Furthermore, some of us respond very well to words of affirmation that we receive as a gift from others.

I am going to tell you something you already know:  communication is the process of sending and receiving messages.  Gifting someone with words of affirmation is sending.  Responding to the gift of words of affirmation from others is receiving.

Let me tell you another idea you probably already know:  self-centeredness is a major stumbling block in the whole communication process.

However, let’s be honest and admit the irony.  It is very natural to be self-centered.

1.someone is talking to you and they are expressing very important ideas in their life but you wander off somewhere else in your mind.

2.you get approached on the street by someone who asks you for a dollar.  You don’t have just a dollar and you shake your head no and walk on.

3.your child asks you to play a game and you have this big project at work that is consuming you.   You can’t take time to play a game and you say “later son”.

4.your spouse has had a hard day and you have had one too.  You know you should give her some special attention [“pampering”] but you sit down on the couch, turn on your favorite show and “veg out”.

Does all this sound familiar?  It should.  We have all done things like this from time to time, but you might be asking, how does this really relate to Chapter Two?

Here’s how:  the communication you could have with another will be all jammed up if you are a person who uses words of affirmation and you assume that everyone needs your words.  They don’t.

Communication can also be jammed up if you are a person who responds well to words of affirmation and you expect people around you to give you the affirming words you need.  They won’t.

What is the key to making some moves in the right direction?

Be “other centered.”

This takes work.  The reason for all the work is that each of us has a perspective and it is unique.  None of us views the world exactly like another.  To understand the mental framework of another person takes empathy and imagination and some of us just don’t have that.  It takes work.

Can I get personal?

I am married and my wife knows I scored high on words of affirmation.  Does that mean she should use words of affirmation on me?

No.

Not unless she wants to and she may have a multitude of reasons for not wanting to.

Let’s bring all this discussion to cold, hard reality.  Maybe she does not have the gift of affirming others.  If that be the case, I should not expect to get affirming words from her unless she works hard to become an affirmer.  Maybe she has this fear that I will get an inflated ego if I get affirmed too much.  That fear will keep her from affirming me.   Maybe she is in her own “me universe” and is not paying attention to me or anybody.  She is only thinking about herself.  That certainly will keep me from getting my words of affirmation.  The list goes on and on; reasons that this love language stuff will not work.

Again, a key element that Dr. Chapman does not discuss that will make it all work is “other-centeredness,” the opposite of self-centeredness.

It is the deliberate change of thought from “me” to others.  It is no longer thinking about what I need but one begins to consider what does the other person need?  What will make them happy?  For the person who thrives on words of affirmation, Chapman says that hearing the affirming words  “I love you,” are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward”.

You can’t force another person to give you this gift.  If you force another person to give you what you need, it is no longer a gift.  They have responded to your demand.

In my mind, this is what makes the gift of Jesus so hard for all of us to understand.  He is a gift from God “without strings.”  We needed Him to be with us to show us the way and He knew it.

And we struggle every day to understand how God could be so “other-centered.”