St. John Studies

As we leave Chapter Two, the first chapter that focuses on one of the five love languages, I believe it is very fitting to write about the most important words of affirmation that we will ever speak, the affirming words we speak to God.

Do you want to improve your relationship with another, a family member, a spouse, a friend?

Would you like to foster understanding between yourself and another through the expression of a love language that they need to hear, maybe even open another person up to the idea that they can fulfill some of your love language needs?

Maybe, we need to pray about this first.

Talking to God is not easy.

I have heard countless Christians say “I don’t know how to pray.”  Yet God needs to hear from all of us and Dr. Chapman knows that.

Let’s be honest.  If a person is talkative, he or she is going to have an easier time praying.  If a person has a creative mind, he or she is going to have an easier time praying.  Maybe if a person thinks more spiritual thoughts in a day’s time, it is easier to pray.

It does not matter.

God still wants to hear from all of us.

Dr. Chapman includes information about Martin Luther, King David and a guy named Jason at the end of Chapter Two.  Wonder why?  He wants us to know that affirming God is important for us to do.

I am going to be honest; I think that affirming God is very important but I have an up and down prayer life.  Maybe you do too.  I am an early morning prayer person.  Prayer flows from me when the coffee flows in.  As I wake up, I begin to feel better and that is when I have my best prayer time.   This is not to say that I don’t pray at various times throughout the day, I often do.  However my most focused prayers of the day are early morning.  That’s not the ideal time for many.  It is easy for me.

Still, there are days when I do not have satisfying prayers.  Praising God probably should be uppermost on my prayer list because He has blessed me so much in my life.  Intercession for others who are facing challenges probably should be uppermost on my prayer list but I sometimes do not feel the urge to pray for others.

I am being honest.  I pray about myself too much I think.

I am not proud of it; it just happens.

It is selfishness.

A couple of posts back [the one entitled “Being Other-Centered”] I wrote about how being selfish will impede the use of love language.  You won’t feel compelled to give a response another person needs if you are all wrapped up in yourself.

Maybe it is the same with God.  Prayer would be better if it is less about me a more about God and the needs of others.

As we consider love languages that we need and love languages we can express, let’s pray.

Let us pray God that You will show us what to do to find a new way of relating to others.  Let us pray God that You will use us to bring some positive expression in others’ lives.  Help us to understand that not receiving a love language we need is not the end of the world; that life is not about getting what we want all of the time.  Help us to understand that expressing love to another is not about manipulation but about giving and not counting the cost.  It is about giving and not keeping track of the debt.  It is about taking the time to make another person feel better, one of Your children God.  I know that  You can change me God.  In fact, if You change me, the change will be real.  I offer myself to You.  Use my language to fulfill the needs of others.  All praise and glory to You Lord.  Your will be done.

I have been hanging out with Christian folks for many years and I have many, many friends and relatives who are Christian.

However all my friends and relatives are not “like-minded”.

Some are obsessed with the idea that we are in the last days.

That’s ok.

But it is just not me.

As we consider God speaking your love language, Dr. Chapman is preaching a very positive message.  It does not sound like this Christian is worried about the last days.

My negative Christian friends and relatives are saying that God is going to destroy the world economy, the common tender we use to buy and sell will be valueless and all of us are going to be reduced to people who are killing others for a canned ham.   It is time to buy gold, liquidate all assets, purchase meals ready-to-eat and stock up on weapons and lots of ammo.

Sorry, that’s extreme.

But I have friends and relatives who seem to have that attitude.

This brings me to my point, why try?

Why be concerned about giving or receiving words of affirmation when your true concern should be what can I do to make sure I am able to survive when the end times come?

I admit it.  I tend to fall into the category of optimistic Christian.

I am not naïve.  I know society shows signs of breaking down [I do watch “the news”].  I know that our economy and the world economy are linked and one domino falling in Greece can cause ripples in America.  Terrorists do exist and can wreak havoc and some extreme religious groups are out to kill Christians.

These are scary times we live in.

However, I just don’t believe my negative friends and relatives have all the answers.   God’s plan is a mystery.

Romans 11: 33-34 “The depth and the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!  How unsearchable His judgments and his paths beyond tracing out!  Who has known the mind of the Lord?”    Solomon says in Ecclesiastes 9: 1  “So I reflected on all this and concluded that the righteous and the wise and what they do are in God’s hand, but no man knows whether love or hate awaits him.”

Now we don’t have a clear vision of what God has in store for us. “Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror.” [I Corinthians 13].

Dr. Chapman cites words of encouragement from God like “I will strengthen you and help you”,  “I have plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” and  “I will turn your mourning into gladness; I will give you comfort and joy instead of sorrow.”

What are my negative Christian friends and relatives doing with words like those?

Truly that old cliché “what do you see when you look at a glass of water that is half full of water” comes into play.  Some people truly see it as half empty.  Others see it as half full.

I am the half-full type of Christian.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t tell my negative friends and relatives that they are wrong.  I respect them.  I love them and it is not my job to judge and change them.  I do get very quiet when they go on a negative rant and give head nods to what they are saying.  The head nods are not the real me.  To be honest, I should be shaking my head side to side in a negative fashion because that is what I am really thinking.  I guess I am hypocritical.

You see I believe God has it all in His hands.  He wants me to make the effort.  He wants me to try to learn the language of love.  He wants me to see a person who has needs and He wants me to learn to affirm them.  He wants me to see that He loves me and I believe he loves you too.

I can’t tell my negative Christian friends and relatives all this though because they are worried that the whole geo-political climate is being destroyed.  In my mind, they are struggling to mentally grasp the ungraspable.

I leave all that to God.

When I have a friend who is struggling with his bad health, I want to tell him that he will feel better.  I believe that God has good things in store for him.  When I have a friend who struggles financially, I want to help him and tell him that the future will be better because God says it will and he needs to have hope.   When I have  friends who are in a bad marriage and seem lost, I want to tell them that there is a way to fix the mess and God can work through them in that marriage and things can get better.  God hates divorce.

I know it sounds like Pollyanna.

For every verse I have cited, my negative friends and relatives can cite many more  that are negative, stronger and more ominous.

That’s ok.

For me I choose to “live by faith, not by sight” and my faith leads me to do what I can to make the world a better place.

My faith leads me to try.

In Chapter Two of “God Speaks Your Love Language”, Dr. Chapman writes about words of affirmation.

We all get his point that God’s words in the Bible are affirming.

In addition, some of us use words of affirmation as our love language gift to others.

Furthermore, some of us respond very well to words of affirmation that we receive as a gift from others.

I am going to tell you something you already know:  communication is the process of sending and receiving messages.  Gifting someone with words of affirmation is sending.  Responding to the gift of words of affirmation from others is receiving.

Let me tell you another idea you probably already know:  self-centeredness is a major stumbling block in the whole communication process.

However, let’s be honest and admit the irony.  It is very natural to be self-centered.

1.someone is talking to you and they are expressing very important ideas in their life but you wander off somewhere else in your mind.

2.you get approached on the street by someone who asks you for a dollar.  You don’t have just a dollar and you shake your head no and walk on.

3.your child asks you to play a game and you have this big project at work that is consuming you.   You can’t take time to play a game and you say “later son”.

4.your spouse has had a hard day and you have had one too.  You know you should give her some special attention [“pampering”] but you sit down on the couch, turn on your favorite show and “veg out”.

Does all this sound familiar?  It should.  We have all done things like this from time to time, but you might be asking, how does this really relate to Chapter Two?

Here’s how:  the communication you could have with another will be all jammed up if you are a person who uses words of affirmation and you assume that everyone needs your words.  They don’t.

Communication can also be jammed up if you are a person who responds well to words of affirmation and you expect people around you to give you the affirming words you need.  They won’t.

What is the key to making some moves in the right direction?

Be “other centered.”

This takes work.  The reason for all the work is that each of us has a perspective and it is unique.  None of us views the world exactly like another.  To understand the mental framework of another person takes empathy and imagination and some of us just don’t have that.  It takes work.

Can I get personal?

I am married and my wife knows I scored high on words of affirmation.  Does that mean she should use words of affirmation on me?

No.

Not unless she wants to and she may have a multitude of reasons for not wanting to.

Let’s bring all this discussion to cold, hard reality.  Maybe she does not have the gift of affirming others.  If that be the case, I should not expect to get affirming words from her unless she works hard to become an affirmer.  Maybe she has this fear that I will get an inflated ego if I get affirmed too much.  That fear will keep her from affirming me.   Maybe she is in her own “me universe” and is not paying attention to me or anybody.  She is only thinking about herself.  That certainly will keep me from getting my words of affirmation.  The list goes on and on; reasons that this love language stuff will not work.

Again, a key element that Dr. Chapman does not discuss that will make it all work is “other-centeredness,” the opposite of self-centeredness.

It is the deliberate change of thought from “me” to others.  It is no longer thinking about what I need but one begins to consider what does the other person need?  What will make them happy?  For the person who thrives on words of affirmation, Chapman says that hearing the affirming words  “I love you,” are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward”.

You can’t force another person to give you this gift.  If you force another person to give you what you need, it is no longer a gift.  They have responded to your demand.

In my mind, this is what makes the gift of Jesus so hard for all of us to understand.  He is a gift from God “without strings.”  We needed Him to be with us to show us the way and He knew it.

And we struggle every day to understand how God could be so “other-centered.”

As Dr. Chapman writes about words of affirmation in Chapter 2, he turns to the Bible to get example after example of God’s affirming words.

Then he gives example after example of Jesus’ affirming words.

You do know why, don’t you?

It is the crux of the message of his book, why he puts words of affirmation as an early chapter.

We have God’s word with us 24/7, 365 and the Bible is an affirming book; nevertheless I hear people who are doubters and unbelievers say “I don’t want to believe in God.  God is so strict and judgmental.  I am having fun right now and if I declare that I believe in Him, His rules will have to be followed. His rules are no fun.”

These are the words of people who don’t understand the promises of God.

Dr. Chapman uses the words of the prophet Isaiah [48: 19] to make his point that God has good plans for those who believe “If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea.”

Christians who experience this promise of peace are Christians who believe, Christians who are interested in growth, Christians who are interested in maturing.

There is a tale of a Christian missionary who one day said to another Christian “I’m tired of working with mature people!”  His companion [a little surprised] said “Would you rather be working with immature people?”  The missionary replied, “No my preference is to work with maturing people.”

The result of following God is a peace that supersedes any thrill the doubter and unbeliever has.

It is founded on belief, belief in the affirming words of the Bible.

I have known many “professing Christians” over the years.  These folks like the label of Christian attached to their names but they suffer from what physicians or psychologists call arrested development.  Patients who suffer from physical growth or mental growth that has stopped have entered a state of arrested development.

Christians who don’t open their Bibles or avail themselves of many other ways of learning about God are in arrested development.

If we would explore our Bibles and let the Spirit of God work through the Word of God, He will take possession of our hearts and minds.  The problems that we have will be replaced by opportunities to serve others and glorify God and enjoy a new life of more peace, more peace than we ever could imagine.

I have a friend who took exception to a comment I made on his blog the other day; I did not take offense.  He just took the metaphor I used of the Christian “is a fish [no pun intended] that has to swim against the stream”.  He wanted to change it.   My context was that we have to fight the powerful stream of cultural values to live a Christian life.  He said that he would rather think of the Christian as “flowing with the stream of the Holy Spirit.”

What’s he talking about?

He’s talking about tapping into the Holy Spirit power source that is available for all of us, flowing with that stream of power and growing, delighting and enjoying doing the will of God.  His will becomes our will.  Our greatest freedom is the freedom to experience all the wonderful things that God has planned for us.

If we just make the effort to grow and mature.

If we just truly believe His affirming words.

Have you ever cried uncontrollably, a cry that comes from deep inside, that verges on out-of-control wailing?

Have you ever been so devastated by some circumstance in life that you hit the floor and did not feel like you were ever going to get up?

Have you ever been hurt so bad that you did not think your heart would ever heal from the wound?

Most of you are probably thinking right now ……nooooo….[and why is he bringing up this uncomfortable stuff?].

Because Dr. Chapman is 100% correct when he says that “God will love you when everyone else walks away.”  He was telling the story of Pastor Reuben’s conversion moment.

Why am I bringing this up?

I am putting these dramatic episodes before you because so many people fear these episodes.   However don’t we need to have this attitude of “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.” [James 1: 2-3]

Yes, but it is hard when you are in the midst of pain.

It is in these episodes that God proves Himself to you.  Men and women will walk away from you but God will not.

At my church we have a leader who is making an effort to startup United Methodist Men after a long hiatus.   I was talking to another man who approached some men about participating, and he said it was like he had the plague when he brought up the subject of UMM.  They basically said “No, we don’t want anything to do with that.”

Women are often attacked for putting up a false front but that is so silly; both genders like to present a façade to the world.  Women don’t have anything on men.

The male façade: “I am in control;”  “I can do this all by myself;”  “I know where I am going” etc. etc.

Really?

None of us is really in control.  We can’t do much in this world all by ourselves and if we would admit it, we are lost quite often [literally and figuratively].

But we don’t want to admit it.  It is embarrassing.

Men don’t want to admit that we have been absent from the church.  We have not provided leadership as a group.  We don’t want to admit that fellowship and relationship with other men is important.

You see women have all that relationship stuff figured out.

They know that God can work in relationships.  Men think we can do it alone.  In fact, just yesterday I was looking at health information [you know, one of those internet lists] about why men die younger than women.  One major cause was men do not know how to relate to others and this “lone wolf” mentality can cause men to die earlier than needed.

Social support is a good thing.  Spending time with like-minded folks can result in good times and bonds which are needed.

Can people walk away and cause you to cry, devastate you, and break your heart?

You bet they can [that stuff at the beginning all happened to me].

God was the first one to wipe my tears, God was the first one to pick me up off the floor and God over the years has mended my heart and you know what?

People helped too, good Christian people.

Was it all embarrassing?  Yes it was, but it made me a stronger person.  Will it be good for the men of the church to reemerge as a positive force at St. John?  Yes it will.

We will all learn that we can have more control if we work together, we can do a lot more if we work together, and we are all lost from time to time and it is ok to admit it.

The lesson from “God Speaks Your Love Language” is clear.  Human relationships reflect the nature of God and if we can understand human relationships better, we can better understand divine love.

You have to say yes to others.  You have to join in sometimes.  You have to drop the façade…and find God.

Romans 12:6

“We all have different gifts, according to the grace given us.  If a man’s gift is prophesy, let him use it in proportion to his faith.  If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.”

Loving is all about giving.

But loving is all about receiving too.

Chapter Two is about words of affirmation.

[Reveal!]  My number three score is words of affirmation.  My profile score breakdown is 10, 9, 8, 2 and 1.  You can see that most of my points in my profile are in the top three languages and my number 8 is words of affirmation.  That’s a lot of points—27% out of the total.

What does that mean?  It means that I respond well to people telling me good things about myself.  The profile says:  “Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, ‘I love you,’ are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.”

Ok, I think this is right about me.

Does this mean that I am good at affirming others?  No it does not.  It just means that I like hearing those words from others.

In Chapter Two, we encounter Pastor Reuben, who loves preaching and his message is right on target with Dr. Chapman’s book.  His message is all about love.  He has affirmed his congregation and it has grown from 30 to 2,000.

This has come easy for him because his main love language gift is affirmation.  However, it is so true to life when his wife says that when he uses his words of affirmation on her “His words sound empty.”

What’s the problem?  This wife would rather the pastor run the vacuum, wash the dishes and do the laundry than tell her how much he loves her.

He has a gift of affirming and maybe he likes to be affirmed.  Dr. Chapman says when he went to Pastor Reuben’s worship service, the congregation shouted encouraging words during his sermon.  I guess even pastors like an affirming AMEN! once in a while.

Pastor Reuben needs to stop and think about his wife and see that she is different from his congregation.

Like a lot of us, he assumes that all people need to be affirmed.

Not so.

Some people don’t respond well to this type of love language, in fact it can even backfire.  It is well known in social psychology that there are people who will try to manipulate others with their words.  One of the most common ways to manipulate others is to tell them affirming words.  If you use affirming words to get something from someone else, the dark side of language use can occur.  People don’t want to be coerced into doing something.  Many would rather just have a clear request and skip the affirming talk.  That type of person refers to affirming words as “being buttered up.”

As I read Chapter Two about Pastor Reuben and his wife Patsy, the focus was on Reuben but I also thought about Patsy.  Maybe Reuben was using the wrong love language on Patsy but my hope is that Patsy knows to use words of affirmation on Reuben.

You see, people who like to receive words of affirmation don’t overanalyze the words they receive from others.   The just take them and like them.

I know.

Twenty-seven percent of my points are in “words of affirmation”.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

If you have not taken the love language profile, it is time to do it.  The link is above.

Other suggestions:

Dr. Chapman has a free newsletter call The Five Love Languages “Practically Speaking.”  All you have to do it go to the upper right side of the profile page [above] and you can have his free newsletter delivered to you email box.  You may want to look into it.  It is rather “practical” and the price is right.

Questions from Chapter 1

1.Think of times when you had problems communicating with someone else.  What did that feel like?   Think of times when you “connected” with someone else.  What did that feel like?

2.Assuming you have taken your love language profile, what do you think about the results?  Do you think the results are valid?  Why or why not?

3.Read 1 Corinthians Chapter 13 and now that you understand you own love language, notice how it pertains to your own love language profile results.

A Little Note:

I cried.  I know it sounds corny, but I cried.  Believe it or not, tv touches me sometimes.  This week the tv got to me in an unusual place.  I was watching CBS News at 5:30 and they did a 2 minute piece on freshman college basketball player Lauren Hill.  Lauren was recruited to the Mount St. Joseph College Basketball team but she was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor before she had a chance to play her first game.  The school scheduled an early game so she could play one game before she died.  She played in that special game [full auditorium] and she scored 2 points, the first points of the game.  Lauren was very sick when she played that game and this past week she died of the tumor.

That was sad and one would think I would cry there but no, the tears came at the end of the story.

LeBron James sent her a tweet after he found out that she had died.  Lauren was gone but I guess he felt she would get the tweet anyhow.  Here is what it said.

“Lauren, can u please tell my Grandma I said hello.  Don’t be afraid, she knows you cause we spoke about u plenty of times.”

Lauren’s death, a big basketball star taking the time to do this;  I cried.

Battalogeo is not a word you use every day.  One reason we don’t use it is that it is Greek.

However it may be something that you experience every day.  You do it or you hear other people do it.

It means vain repetitions and empty phrases.

Jesus was very concerned with battalogeo.  In His day, there were people who lead the Jewish religious communities who used battalogeo quite often:  Pharisees.  You know about them.  They wanted everyone to know they were  praying  often,  making their prayer a public, a theatrical performance.  John Stott says the Pharisees liked to make a big deal of everything, even giving a donation, marching trumpeters in front of themselves, on the way to donating and prayer.   But when the prayers happened, they seemed lacking.  They seemed rote.  They seemed repetitious.  They seemed to be babbling [battalogeo].

Jesus had a problem with prayer that was less than heartfelt, words without meaning.

In my experience with other religions, I have often wondered about the Hindu who chants.  It seems like a mindless repetition of sound as the chanter descends into a mindless state.  [They would argue that meditation is not mindless].

I have wondered about the Catholic rosary as the devout Catholic tells of the beads and the telling becomes automatic.

I have heard some pastors pray over and over and they use the same phrases in every prayer in every circumstance and they pray quickly, especially over food.  Are they hungry?

I have heard some church members pray the Lord’s Prayer and they have done it many times.  Have they done it so many times that it is battalogeo?  Are they thinking about the important words of the prayer that Jesus taught us?

Let’s shift gears.

We are studying a book about love, expressing love to people and having people express love to us.  We are reading about expressing love for our Lord and our Lord expressing love to us.

Have you ever told someone you love them and it was mindless?

I thought so.  You have.

Some would say even a mindless “I love you” is ok.  Some people have told me they never get an “I love you” from anyone, at any time.

Mindless is better than nothing.

But is it?

What is the value of mindless babbling?

Matthew 6: 7-8:  do not be like them [pagans], for they think they will be heard because of their many words.  Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him.”

Mean “I love you” as you affirm others, give your undivided attention, surprise with a gift, perform an act of service or offer a warm hug.

“Your Father knows what you need before you ask Him.

You need love.  The person receiving your “language” needs love.

God needs to hear your love.

You need to experience His.

*thoughts for this post inspired by one of my favorite writers, John Stott

“People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.”  This quote is from “Funny Girl” a musical that was popular in the 60’s and the song “People Who Need People” was a hit for Barbra Streisand.

Are people who need people lucky?

There is a lot of research information to support this.

People in relationships experience support from others and that allows them to explore their world.  They have less fear and concern and are confident that their loved ones will be there for them if they are needed.  People in relationships feel understood by others; they are not constantly seeking affirmation.   In times of trouble, people in relationships know who to turn to; in times of celebration, they know who to turn to.  Close relationships allow for an exchange of ideas that can be good, especially if those ideas lead to mental growth and a more open, stimulated mind.  Being in relationships with others can help us identify with others as we can experience our identity in belonging to a group.   Also, happiness “rubs off” from others.  People who have relationships with happy people benefit because others’ happiness is contagious.  I guess the reverse is also true.

The list goes on and on.  Some advice I have received from others:

When I retired, I had so much advice given to me about transitioning from the work world to “retirement life.”  You have to have a network to replace your work network.  You need relationships even more after retirement.

As I got older, I had people tell me to stay married.  Married men really do better later on in life with a marriage partner.  You need that spouse to stay happy.

Do activities with your men friends, go to a ballgame, play a round of golf, work on a car together.   Guys won’t just sit and talk and relate to you.  They will work on a project with you and as you do the work, the talk happens.  The relationship grows.

Does this information sound correct to you?   Do you think the advice is good?

It is all based on the idea that “people who need people are the luckiest people in the world.”

But Dr. Chapman goes further than that.

He says “the love languages observed in human relationships are a reflection of divine love.”  Further he states “God speaks all five love languages fluently and that people tend to be attracted to God most deeply when they sense that God is speaking their primary love language.”

I am sensitive to pulling quotations out of context but I am going to do just that.  Recently I was teaching a Sunday School class and I was referencing the Koran or Quran, the holy book of Islam.  I was trying to draw a contrast between the Islamic conception of god and Christian conception of God.  In Surah 171, the Koran says “God is but one God; utterly remote is He.”  I realize that I have quoted just a few words from a large book and those few words don’t represent the whole Koran but in my Bible, Jesus allows us to be a bit closer than this I think.  In fact, He desires a relationship with us.  My Bible is the story of God’s efforts to pursue a relationship with man after man’s fall in the Garden of Eden.

This culminates in passages from the Bible like John 14: 23-26, when Jesus says:  “If anyone loves me, they will obey me. Then my Father will love them, and we will come to them and live in them. But anyone who doesn’t love me, won’t obey me. What they have heard me say doesn’t really come from me, but from the Father who sent me.  I have told you these things while I am still with you. But the Holy Spirit will come and help you, because the Father will send the Spirit to take my place. The Spirit will teach you everything and will remind you of what I said while I was with you.”  Further efforts at relating are in Revelation 3:20:  “Listen! I am standing and knocking at your door. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in and we will eat together.”

These don’t seem to be the actions of a distant, remote God.

These seem to be statements from a God that wants to get to know you better, a God who wants to have a relationship with you.

In the context of “God Speaks Your Love Language” maybe we need to change Barbra’s lyrics to “people who need God are the luckiest people in the world.”

Let’s say you have done what I asked you to do.  Let’s say you have gone to

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

You now have knowledge of your love language.

But you are a spouse with a spouse who does not want to learn anything new.  You are a single person who has some challenging relationships but none of your “challenges” wants to take the profile.  You have a child or a teen who acts out from time to time and you want to try to fill their love tank but they think that taking a “love profile” is stupid.

What do you have when you complete your profile?

Self-awareness.  You know what you need in order to have a positive love response from another [what Dr. Chapman calls the fuel for your “love tank”].  What good does that do if you have no one responding to you the way you need for them to respond?

One thing that is certain is that all of us are different and you can’t force another person to take a profile, much less change.

Dr. Chapman suggests that you try to answer the following three questions [let’s use an unwilling spouse as an example]:  How does this person most often express love to others?  This means you will have to observe them over a period of time.  They may not be speaking your love language but they may be speaking a love language that is evident if you make an effort to notice it.    What does this person complain about the most?  This can be a great indicator about what they are lacking in their life.  “We never go anywhere” may indicate quality time.  “My shoulders hurt” may indicate a need for physical touch.  “You never help me with the vacuuming” may indicate a need for acts of service.

Another approach is the five-week approach.  Quoting from Dr. Chapman:  “The first week, you focus on one of the five love languages and seek to speak it every day and observe the response of your spouse. On Saturday and Sunday, you relax. The second week—Monday through Friday—you focus on another of the love languages and continue with a different language each of the five weeks. On the week you are speaking your spouse’s primary love language, you are likely to see a difference in their countenance and the way they respond to you. It will be obvious that this is their primary love language.”

It is much easier to implement change if the people you want to work with are “on board” but that is sadly not always the case.

Many people seek help alone.  They are trying to improve communication with another person/s but others are not willing to work.

Never underestimate the effort by one person to change.

I have seen this in my life.

Don’t buy into the cliché that it “takes two to tango.”  One very loving person can shake up patterned communication in a relationship if they are dedicated to making the change.

What do you have when you take the love languages quiz?

Maybe information that will be the first step to improving your relationships with others and eventually God.